#Sexual!

We live in a crazy world, don’t we?

Sometime last week, a video made the rounds on the Nigerian interwebs. It was an explicit video of a 14yr old girl and a 4yr old boy having sex. Yes, 4. Year. Old. Boy! If you never came across it, I can assure you it was the whole shebazz. The little boy had an erect phallus which he, without doubt, knew how to use and use it, he certainly did. He also used his fingers, his mouth, his tongue… Basically, he showed prowess. All the while accompanied by his ‘co-star’.

I gathered all this from watching about one-and-a-half minutes of the 10-minute-clip, as well as the comments that were shared on twitter. The outcry was frenzied and was largely that of disgust and disbelief. Especially as, according to the uploader, this occurred right here in Naija, somewhere in Warri, Delta state.

I read comments that decried those sharing the link as basically being child pornographers. Others said the girl in the video was a devil and a witch for her actions and a debate began on the role of househelps and the need or needlessness of their services (it is easy to assume from the video that the girl was a househelp and the boy, a ward placed in her care). Others were upset at the person(s) who had recorded such a video rather than scream at the two children to stop what they were doing and/or immediately report them to the boy’s parent(s).

I had my own reaction to the video and to the different reactions I saw but chose not to share at the time. To the video itself, I was stunned! Who wouldn’t be? I imagined a situation where I’d never seen or heard of the video and someone telling me a 4-yr-old boy could purposely engage in sexual intercourse and even have and maintain an erection and I know without a doubt that I would have vehemently argued the impossibility of it. To the heated comments, one of my first observations was that a lot of people jumped to conclusions. I will elaborate a little.

For those who berated those sharing the link for ‘aiding’ the spread of child pornography, I somewhat disagreed. First off, the video was not a professional one. The scene was a make-shift bathroom constructed basically of corrugated iron sheets and a few pakos used to hold it together. It was recorded very likely with a camera phone (the video was low-res and the camera moved around a lot) through a peep-hole. The girl kept glancing around furtively to make sure they were not found out. From all appearances, neither she nor the boy were aware they were being recorded. Secondly, while I would myself never have shared the video or its link, I see those that did as sharing something that, depending on who received it, could be educative or harmful.

As for those who thought that instead of recording a video, the person(s) behind the camera should have scared the children away and/or alerted (other) adults and parents, I’d like to play a little bit of ‘devil’s advocate’. I say first that one cannot jump to conclusions that they were adults or that scaring the kids away would have solved the problem considering they could just get down once again once they had the chance. For all we know, the video may have been used to confirm on-going suspicions some may have had and then to report the irrefutable evidence to the wards of the children. Also, at the end of the day, recording and sharing the video eventually served/serves a greater purpose: informing, alerting and educating those of us who would never have believed that such exists/existed without such evidence. I personally see this video surfacing as a learning opportunity.

As for those who believed the 14yr old was an evil, little girl, @gbemisoke, a mother of three and someone whose opinions and beliefs I have come to greatly value on my timeline and on her blog had the following to share and it resonated so well with me that I retweeted all of it and then sought her permission to share it in this blogpost. Please pardon any disjointedness. She wrote this in the form of many tweets, each of which had a 140 character limit. I chose not to edit so as not to detract from anything she said.

Her words:

Children have been molested, are being molested and will be molested. Sad, but it is what it is. It’s a vicious cycle. Today a victim, tomorrow a perpetrator. It’s sad, but it’s true. It’s a crazy world we live in.

I owe it to my children to protect them. I can’t be with them all the time, so what do I do? Bath time is one of my favorite teaching opportunities. I tell my 4yr old, this is your penis, it’s private, don’t let anyone touch it. If anyone touches your penis you do what? “Tell mummy” he replies. I’m also teaching him not to be a perpetrator. Don’t touch anyone’s penis. The other day, he asked me, “where’s Alexis’ penis?” Teaching opportunity. I told him she has a vagina. He says “bagyna” but he gets it. The other day he said “Mummy, Alexis “bagyna” is private”. I’m hoping that keeping the lines of communication open will protect my children. There are lots of messed up people. Many of them are victims of other messed up people.

The 14 year old girl is a victim. I feel sorry for her. She’s someone’s child. We can’t be with our children all the time but we can equip them with tools to protect them. Teach them, listen to them, pray. Watch and pray. Call body parts by their names. Penis. Vagina. Don’t teach children “willy willy” or “kini”. Let’s not confuse them. That way, when a child says “he touched my penis”, you know exactly what he’s talking about.

Abusers are often relatives. Don’t shush them. Answer their questions honestly. They know more than you think they do. I was reading the other day about a 6yr old that was already being labeled a sex offender. There’s a 9yr old on the sex offender registry. The idea that children can become “corrupt” when you teach them about sex or sexuality is why abuse often goes unreported. I’m not going to let the world teach my child it’s perverted version of the beautiful gift from God that sex really is. Sex is not “that dirty thing” or “iranu” like my people call it. It’s a precious gift from God that has been abused.

If the maids were the actual problem, child molestation would be non existent here. Let’s not ignore the real issue(s). The maid is NOT the problem. She’s a victim too. Who taught her? Have you not heard of fathers molesting their kids? Leave “Ekaette” alone. She is a victim turned perpetrator. A victim of our “my (sexual) needs can be met however I deem fit” world. Hypothetical scenario. Preteen maid is molested by son, she is a bad girl. Boy gets a free pass, cos “boys will be boys”. Girl goes on to molest toddler. She’s evil. Many of us know men who have molested their maids. My friend’s dad made three of their maids pregnant. We raise our sons to think they have no control over their sex drive. It’s ok for them to sow their wild oats. It’s complicated. The world is crazy.

I can’t change the world. I can only prayerfully attempt to bring up children that do not end up victims. Not just that, they will not be perpetrators too. So help me God. At the church parking lot the other day, I heard a grown man in his 40s tell 2 other men how his school mother raped him. They laughed. Abuse has happened, is happening and will happen. Social media just makes us all more aware. Let’s learn & take steps to protect our kids. No need to get sanctimonious.

And those are her thoughts. What are yours?

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32 comments on “#Sexual!

  1. Well said. We do have a duty to protect our little ones, its unfortunate a lot of people who know about these things live in denial or conceal it in humour. That video is one of the most terrible things I’ve ever seen this year and I still stand by what I’ve always said; evidence gathering or a desire to satisfy a perverse sexual craving, who ever recorded that video is sick. A picture and a timely intervention would have sufficed. Now, just as concerned people feel they are doing the right thing by sharing this video, its also getting into the hands of other would be sexual predators or child pornography enthusiasts. True, it is something that needs to be addressed, but not at the expense of desency.

    Like

  2. thatifygirl says:

    Whoa!!!! I didn’t see this video. Thank God.
    That’s terrible. And yes, it’s child pornography.
    As long as such a video was made, and is being shared, it’s child pornography, it’s wrong and it’s illegal. Whatever their “reasons” are.
    I wonder though, is it illegal in Nigeria? I know about a certain state governor taking a minor as his wife. I doubt we have laws that protect the child from such crimes in Nigeria. And if we do, well, no one’s enforcing them. It’s really sad. God help us.
    I agree with Gbemi. We need to be more open about these things with our kids. Obviously, our closed mindedness in these matters is not helping us at all.

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  3. Sirkastiq says:

    My thoughts are, will this chicken sauce spoil this one that there’s no light so?

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  4. yettty says:

    “The 14 year old girl is a victim. I feel sorry for her. She’s someone’s child.” – my thoughts exactly
    She also must have been molested at some point. Its unfortunate the kind of world we live in.

    Like

  5. Anonymous says:

    It could have been me on the video, given that it happened to me all those years ago. Boy of 5, neighbour’s teen-aged maid and daughter. Can’t even remember what they looked like or how it ended… Probably repressed. Just snatches remaining.

    But a 5yr old didn’t need to know his penis was for anything else than peeing. 😦

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  6. dee says:

    I never saw the video but heard so much about it that time. Its really an evil world but like my gbemi dearest said we can only educate our kids and pray cos how many hours do we really get to spend with them each day. A colleague told me that what she has taught her 2 kids( 5 and 4 yrs old) is to ‘bite, scream and tell’ if anyone tries touching them. I have borrowed her slogan

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  7. Faith says:

    We must all play out part. If we all raise our kids well, we have individually changed d world somehow. Wonderful insight!

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  8. gB says:

    Good job.we can only try our best to raise our children well.that way they will know good from bad.

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  9. BUKI says:

    My sentiments exactly…..

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  10. teniola says:

    I disagree with a couple things here. First. It IS child porn. Just like amateur porn is porn, amateur child porn is porn. The fact that they didn’t know they were being filmed or didn’t want to be filmed or it served a greater purpose are all incredibly irrelevant. Sharing that link was perpetuating child porn. If I were 15 years old and I took a naked picture of myself and sent it to a boy in my class, I would be guilty of distributing child porn, regardless of the fact that it was an image of me. Please read up.
    Second, whoever filmed them should have stopped them instead. Whether or not they were just gonna go do it elsewhere, in that moment, he/she could have prevented or stopped it and reported the kids to their parents or guardians. It is sick that a person would continue to film such a thing.
    That lady’s opinions are very on point.
    That is all.

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  11. Ogenna says:

    God protect our generation, & our children.

    Like

  12. The world’s gone to shit in a handbasket. Ogenna’s right; God help us

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  13. kponja says:

    I agree with Gbemi, abuse happens all the time and its still happening. The video is child porn no doubt about that but now that it has come to light its left to all of us to see how we can stop this trend in our society.

    I support openess with young children, letting them now to speak up/out whenever anyone ‘touches’ them. And no mixing of words like using ‘special place’ and all that, it just makes the kids feel cool when they learn the real words from their peers in school. And kids love being cool

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  14. Temi says:

    Kudos to you and especially that Gbemi lady, she hit the nail right in its head. Everything she said is true, contrary to what our patents make us believe, talking about sex to our kids is not taboo, it’s better they learn from their parents at home than a friend or worse a stranger whose only goal is to use and abuse them. Like she said we need to start seeing sex as the beautiful show of love and affection in marriage that God made it to be and we need to teach our kids that. God help us all.

    Definitely good read, God continue to replenish your brain jare 🙂

    Like

  15. Mz_Shadee says:

    I did, and will always have an issue with whoever recorded that video! Its possible they were trying to get proof of some kind of suspicion, but plsss that video was over 2 mins long. D girl kept stopping to be sure no one was coming towards them! Y didn’t d person stop that moment? I say 30seconds if u need proof, nothing more. IMO, who ever recorded it is not clean. That said, I agree with what d lady said. God help us parents with kids o, they are truly smarter than we know. Every day I pray for God’s wisdom to direct me to bring up my daughter according to His will

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  16. Obafemi says:

    That video is a case of the childhood role play “Daddy and Mummy” gone real. While I do not support it, most people have been molested at one time or the other, and even if we don’t speak up, it because we don’t know any better. This is a clarion call for us as parents or parents to be. Sex is all around us, whether we like it or not, subliminal sexual messages pervade the media. Even the bottle of Ava water is shaped like an hour glass. There’s no point hiding what can’t be hidden. Talk to your wards in a sane manner regarding sex.

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  17. Sir Farouk says:

    You do have some points and I guess there are many ways to look at the situation. @gbemisoke is right, Both of them are children and are the victim of a bigger neglect on the part of those in chage of them. I for one refused to watch it. I garnered enough of the gist from twitter to stay clear. It is important to teach our children about their bodies and how to treat it. I think instead of treating the topic of sex as taboo and being hypocritical about it we should talk about it, it will go a long way to preventing things like this as well as reduce the prevalence of STDS and HIV as well as teenage pregnancy.

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  18. edgothboy says:

    People are victims, a whole lot of people. And as more and more parents have to work, more and more children are at risk of getting molested. It just makes me mad.

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  19. Olu says:

    There was a case of child molestation I heard about not too long ago. A 25 year old guy and a 14 year old maid. She tried to play mummy and daddy with a 6 year old boy and while the 25 year old was punishing her, that is when she revealed what he had done to her.

    Doubt was cast since she was a pathological liar, but her story was too consistent each time she told it for it to be a fabrication.

    An intervention with him revealed it was true. He basically got a slap on the wrist, ppl saying “Na temptation” ,”No one is above temptation” and a load of crap like that.

    It’s attitudes and sick mentalities like that which allow such to continue. That guy is going to be a repeat offender cos everyone let him go scotfree. In a more civil country he’d serve time and be on a sex offenders list. But here everyone acts like it didn’t happen.

    There’s this pic on BB, two kids 2 years old at the most wearng yellow kissing. People think it’s cute, but that’s way too early a sexual awakening. And that is the problem, kids are sexual awoken too early.

    I agree with Gbemi, right education from a parent is essential.

    Like

  20. Marion says:

    Interesting aπϑ Educative!!!!

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  21. I’m glad I didn’t see the video.

    I’m in full agreement with @gbemisoke. That woman is a wonder.

    Thanks for the post, 0Toxic

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  22. weird_oo says:

    didn’t watch the video. Im a highly curious person but i made up my mind rock draw the line. I’ve heard of these things It’s not new. Hell, my househelp kissed me once. She not He.
    It’s a terrible world we live in and i fear bringing kids into it.
    The lady has all the right ideas and I commend her for it. It’s important to let kids know at an early age what’s right and wrong.
    Feel sorry for the two children. yes, a 14 year old is still a child.
    Lost innocence.

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  23. Dexter says:

    Gbemi and Ola highlighted almost every point I wanted to make. And what was recorded was what happened, as it happened, indicating that the 4-year-old (if he was even 4) was an active part of the process and not just a lie-down-and-get-defiled victim. All I see is evidence. Sick evidence that was viewed over the internet (Child porn ati be be lo), but evidence nonetheless. Or maybe I’m past being surprised at these things.
    Child molestation and defilement have always happened (I’ve watched a 9 year old get an abortion after being raped by THREE men. Worst part is: she didn’t report it until she was visibly pregnant), and if we don’t learn to educate children on these issues rather than assume that their minds will explode and rot from the info if they’re not 18, many of the cases will continue unreported. How many of us can say that our parents educated us on sex? The taboos on the subject turn it into a guilty-trippy thing and even the victims go silent. If anything can be taken away from this child porn issue (other than “The world is so sick!” *shudder* “That person should be arrested!”), it’s EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN. Or you’ll be the one bearing the shock and shame as you wait outside the theatre for your little girl’s abortion.

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  24. naomi says:

    So I guess my biology teacher was wrong after all, a boy doesn’t have to be 12yrs old in order 4 him to have n sustain an erection! *shudders* the kids I’ll have n raise in the future are in the almighty’s hands! I can’t do it alone! The hussy n I can’t do it alone! The world has become all kinds of scary!

    Like

  25. niyoola says:

    While I agree with all the comments, I think we are leaving out exposure.
    When I was young, TV started @ 4 pm; cartoons ran till 5, then some irritating programs came on. We played games etc; nowadays kids watch big brother, give their parents updates on who likes who, play video games with nudity.
    We don’t even take time to know their friends and what those are exposed to etc; because it is not only you training your child, it’s everyone the child comes in contact with. While u mustn’t be paranoid and have P.I.s trailing everyone, there are unintrusive ways to find out more about the people your child relates with when you are not home.
    We also have kids who have older siblings/relatives living with them; some peep through keyholes to see what uncle is doing with that babe.
    The average kid also knows how to use mobile phones, tablets etc; they view nude photos, videos etc. It’s not only through molesters and sex offenders that kids learn about sex.
    Ok …bye (what an epistle)

    Like

  26. Ibukun says:

    First off, I’m thankful I haven’t seen the video. Second, I totally agree with Gbemi and I think she’s doing a great job with her kids. Third, abuse IS real! Don’t let the silence about it fool you. A lot of kids are abused every single day. Nobody’s talking about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Fourth, I’ve made a mental note to do what Gbemi does with her kids to mine. Thank you for this post.

    Like

  27. Achi_va says:

    i have carried last, i didnt c the video sha, but really nothing shd surprise anyone these days, things are going down,things that wouldn’t have sounded sane a few years back, it’s up to us to accept them and deal with them, in the right manner of course.

    Like

  28. Sabirah says:

    Thank goodness I didn’t see that video. Item #166790 I don’t miss from being on twitter.
    Erm whether or not there was a “greater purpose” which i don’t see seeing as it became viral and violated the safety and privacy of minors, child porn is child porn. And it is illegal.

    Gbemisoke is amazing. all her points are sound and important to note. I miss her tweets.

    I hope to be a parent one day, and the thought of bringing children into this world is scary enough… then abuse (of various forms) is just… *shudder*
    Discussion about what causes abuse is important though, while it’s known to be a vicious cycles there are many other factors that come into play ; education, patriarchy, objectification of bodies, the list is long but the discussion must never stop.

    God guide us.

    Like

  29. Belles Pomme says:

    *Odi Lo tu sisi ka ga nu ku* God please protect us from Ourselves…

    I am all kinds of shaken up right now. Coincidentally before I re-read this post I had just finished watching a true life movie of how a mother who by all standards did everything she could for her children ended up having to watch her first son go to prison twice. The first for armed robbery, the second Murder in the first degree (she even had to testify against him in the Murder trial). *sigh*

    Now I realize that that situation is not particularly related to this one but I could not help but think that sometimes
    *a parent’s best might not always be good enough*… Sad but true sometimes. One thing though the otherwise seemingly perfect mother did not do was commit her son (children) to God. Giving him a solid foundation in Him so that no matter how far he strays, he may one day by Gods grace be guided back to the right path.

    I pray to be a parent one day… So Rather than drown myself in depression I came to the conclusion that as parents, we can only do so much. I thank “Gbemisoke” for her wonderful example. Believe it or not, you just made a wonderful addition to my personal “parenting guide”.
    The world is filled with evil. Negative cycles begin and are passed on everyday, EVERYDAY. I realize that I do not and will not know everything when it comes to being a parent. Me and my future Husband will just have to look to God and seek the support (learning from the experiences) of other God oriented parents to help us as we deal with our own children.

    I pray for spiritual and HUMAN intervention that girl… If it is that she was violated before and is just continuing a cycle she herself may not even fully understand or grasp the impact of, then she needs psychological help/ support soon. I also pray for the boy too… The video is said to have gone viral and I pray that the parents or people who know him have or will see the video too so that they can counsel him. Hopefully that can stop another cycle from starting or continuing (whatever the case may be). He more than likely is just going through the motions doing what “the one he trusts” tells/told him to do. If that is the case, I have first hand knowledge of that and can honestly say it takes the Grace of God to keep one from starting his/her cycle or stopping if already started cause at that age, he or she does not usually know any better. *Sigh*

    God be with Us ALL…

    Like

  30. LeBar_ says:

    Truths laid bare … That is all. Nice one Tokunbo

    Like

  31. Ibrahim says:

    Its quite unfortunate. May God continue to guide and protect our children. Amen

    Like

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