Nero. Nero is special to me. She’s my very intelligent,
very, very stubborn little sister. She’s growing and she’s learning and in many ways, she’s teaching me things too. Her poetry is beautiful, as is most of her writing. She writes…
“But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed” – I Dreamed A Dream (Les Miserables OST)
If I scream really, really, really loud, over and over again, even then, those screams won’t drown out the sound of the pain I faced in 2012. However, I’m not looking back at 2012 with the eyes of a victim. In fact, I see myself as a conqueror, because, I have overcome some formidable demons I battled with in 2012. However, I still want to share what I faced in 2012 so that you can better appreciate the changes that hopefully, will take place in my life this year.
When I was much younger, I dreamed of being very successful in my studies and career. But let’s just say 2012 and the few years before it had other plans. I did very badly at school in the first half of 2012, and this was heartbreaking for me and for my mom because I was an outstanding student since my childhood, up until 2nd year of university. In 2nd year of uni, I grew mentally ill and also lost focus, and so my grades dropped progressively, up until early 2012. 2012 was what I call the winter of my life, meaning that it was a very horrible year compared to most other years in my life. In the summer of 2012, I was officially diagnosed with a mental illness (yup, I said it), actually two mental illnesses. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Because of my psychological challenges, I became a recluse, and I’d refuse to go out and socialize because I was very anxious that some unknown calamity would befall me if I went out. I also wrestled with loneliness and physical illness because my constant panicking made me physically sick. Believe me when I say my OCD made my life HELL.
In 2012, I was also far from God. Very far. I struggled with pornography and I just basically allowed my sexual desires make an utter fool of me. In front of my family and acquaintances, I was the good christian girl, but the very walls of my bedroom knew that I was living a lie. My double-life shamed me, hurt me and made me feel afraid. When would I stop this habit? Interestingly, I guess there was a mutually reinforcing relationship between my mental illnesses and my pornography addiction. My extremely constant anxiety pushed me to seek relief in pornography, and watching pornography made my anxiety worse.
I hope that in 2013, when sadness and depression attempt to cast shadows on my soul, that I will take full advantage of my right to ‘sing’, and to ‘dance’…thereby, doing what I can to manage my darker emotions. I hope that 2013 will be a year of internal freedom for me and that each day will take me closer and closer to complete mental healing. And even though I still feel trapped, this year, I refuse to see myself as a slave of my own mind, because MY bible says ‘whom the Son of Man sets free is free INDEED.’
I hope that in 2013, I will make friends from very different spheres of life: Indian friends, white friends, hippie friends, gay friends, straight friends, muslim friends, christian friends etc.
I hope that in 2013, I will have a rich, fulfilling experience working for the international development organization I worked for last year.
I look forward to graduating in November this year and starting up my online clothes store. So, I hope to grow into my own person, financially, this year.
I hope that I will find the divine strength to stay away from pornography as I have been doing, and just be a stable christian whose life/actions will bring many others to His feet.
Finally, I hope that I will be so close to God this year, that when He cries, I will feel those tears on my own cheeks, and when His heart beats with excitement, my own ears will hear that joyful, joyful song.