Gosh, this world is small. In the course of making the exchange and receiving this entry, I found that Fara knows me from what back. I would never have imagined we’d even ever met. Thank God for good behaviour… ( ._.)
Here she goes…
Where do I begin? When I saw Uncle Toky’s (the story of how I met Mr Toxic is one I’m sure not even he remembers) tweet about doing this guest blog thing , no one was more inspired than my humble self. At least I’d like to think so and the reason is this: This year is my year of hope.
I know everyone is usually excited about new years. I am so thankful 2012 is over. It was such a hard and difficult time for me in every way. That is, except for the awesome miracle of having all my family members and loved ones hale and hearty and for that I’m grateful. In the course of last year I realized that amongst other things I’d lost my desire to hope and the will to try. I was too scared to hope for a happy ending. Not because I felt I was unworthy of one but because I was too scared that I might not get it. I sank into the pits of despair. To make everything worse I tend to do this thing where I don’t confide in people about thoughts I have not yet processed and understood. Some people say I’m fiercely independent. Others think I’m strong. I think I’m just a case of wonderful contradictions. I’m happy I realized how my life was heading in the wrong direction and that I could do something about it. I am sorry I’m not letting you into the details of how life changing my year was but I’m a bit of a private person and there’s not enough time to wash my dirty linen here even if I wanted to.
Going into 2013, I choose to be happy. No I mean joyful because I have found that joy is a choice that isn’t based on emotions and that there is a certain amount of growth that comes with choosing to ignore the bad and thank God for the good. I now know that I have the power to choose what I dwell on. We are our thoughts. I am thinking happy thoughts. It hasn’t been easy so far but I am not one to give up.
I have decided to stop being afraid. I know that sounds cheesy and ambitious but I mean that I have decided to own my fears and insecurities. I gave up on a lot of things in the past because I was too scared to try and fail. I tend to be that ‘all or nothing’ person. I was so scared of being thought of as insecure or deficient in some aspects that I missed out on all the help and love I could have received. I am going into this year admitting my short comings and looking for ways to make the best of them. I thank God that so far I have done well considering that people who make resolutions rarely ever get this far. Yaay me. I don’t believe in resolutions I didn’t even know about them till I met people from other backgrounds. My father always encouraged me to take stock of the year in little bits and make realistic goals.
I have decided to hope for love. Yup. Before now I have always acted like I didn’t need or want love. Who was I kidding? Not that I’m lonely or needy. I just think I’ve learnt enough about myself right now to be realistic about my expectations. It’s about time I stopped running from love and let it on. It can be such a beautiful thing. Last year I was heartbroken in all the wrong sort of ways. The picture I had always held in my mind as the epitome of enduring love was torn to pieces. I was shaken to the core. Coupled with a heart break that resulted from a non-relationship and I stopped believing in love. At least the kind we all secretly or openly hope to have in our lifetime. Well I’m back. I believe and I won’t hold myself back. Love will find me.
I am going to be more open, honest and in touch with my emotions. If you own your weaknesses, no one can use them against you.
I will give forgiveness whenever I have the opportunity to give it. Not because the people who hurt me but because it deserve it but because forgiveness is gift you give yourself. The peace comes with it is indescribable.
I choose to laugh more and be healthy. To love my body even more than I already do.
I will write. I will not withhold my pen because I want to hide my emotions and writing will bare them all. I owe it to myself to live.
I will be reunited with my family. I miss them so much. I want to tell them I love them, not over the phone but face to face.
This year I will travel, read a few more books, enjoy the changing seasons, cry only tears of joy, adore the woman I’m becoming and give God even more of my heart than ever before because He’s all that I’ve ever needed to get by.
This year, I choose to hope. I you all weren’t bored with my long ass declarations.
Peace , Love and Hope.