SH!T

Hey there Nostalgians.

The following events took place on Sunday, 7th April, 2013 between the hours of 7 and 11am. The following events are not fiction.

________________________________________

It’s been a glorious weekend. My homie, Bayo got married to his college sweetheart, Tope yesterday morning… (´⌣`ʃƪ). I went to sleep and woke up with the glaring reminder in mind that I’m not getting any younger and need to start thinking more seriously about settling down with a bride of my own and creating a few cute little toxics. No pressure, of course, but still…

[02.15h to take-off]

As my mind keeps churning these thoughts around my head, I settle my backside gingerly unto the plastic seat of the ceramic receptacle and release the stress that has built up in my innermost man over the night. This happens without incident which is good considering that very suspicious twinge of a taste in that asaro I had the previous evening. It was delicious, but I was more than just a bit suspicious that I was confusing a taste of slight offness for deliciousness. However, my options were limited so I indulged.

Stress relieved, it is time to shower, pack and proceed to the park to head back to Lagos. The bride’s brother is due to come pick my buddy, Chima, and I at 8am and it would be impolite to keep him waiting. Besides, I have a pile of friday’s undone work I need to get to the office to sort out as soon as we arrive Lagos, so obviously, the earlier the better.

[00.40h to take-off]

It’s 8.20am now, I hear a soft knock on the door. It’s Oluchi, the very nice girl I met yesterday. We got talking after the wedding and it turned out she was also Lagos bound this morning so it only made sense we roll together, right? Yeah, same thing I thought.

Chima and I check out of the hotel and we all pile into Dayo’s (the bride’s brother’s) car. Yay, we’re headed to the park. Lagos, here we come (back)!

[00.15h to take off]

Chima, Oluchi and I are settled into the back row of the little Sienna. Timing is looking good. In about 3hrs, we should arrive Lagos. That would be about noon. Good. Good.

[0.03h to take-off]

The driver begins jumps into his seat and starts the engine when I hear a soft but urgent whisper from my innermost man. He’s saying…

“You should certainly not be seated here on this bad upholstery of this mini-van. You should be seated on a plastic seat much like that of the ceramic receptacle of this morning.”

Worst. Timing. Ever.

[Take-off]

The old model Sienna leaps reluctantly into the road and the driver practically has to nudge it from the car park to the filling station down the road. I’m a little concerned about the state of the vehicle but greatly concerned about the different voices my innermost man is beginning to speak to me in to warn me of impending doom. I contemplate telling the driver I have to come down now but I’m concerned about how foolish I’d look. Plus, I no know anywhere for Osogbo. Where I wan go?

The tank is filled up, the journey begins. I think to myself and to my innermost man…

“Eyss, notin do you jarey. Are you not a man? Three hours, ees nuffiin. Psshh!”

[00.30h after take-off]

“Jesus Christ of Nazareth, son of David, King of kings and Lord of lords, have mercy on me. Embarass not thine son in the land of the wicked. You have promised in your word that I shall not dash my foot against a stone, nor block my yansh upon a bus. All weapons fashioned against me shall not prosper…”

My innermost man, on the other hand, is screaming curses at me. He is reminding me of all my most recent misdemeanors and how he does not deserve this punishment on my behalf. I had called in sick on friday at the office to make this trip… “Running tummy” was the excuse. Surely, this was payment for that. More directly, I had suspected the taste of that asaro, why I had I gone ahead and eaten the yam pottage?

(Aside: if you think that should be ‘yam porridge’, you’re a putrifying sack of depreciated olodo)

[01.00 after take-off]

“I’M GOING TO DIIIIEEEEEEE!!!”

Well, my innermost man has concluded, who am I to dissent? I mean, how am I supposed to put up with two more hours of this shit? Nah, I kent. Ees nor porzibu. I’m sweating profusely, tapping my feet, clenching and unclenching my butt, tears are on the brink of falling from my eyes and I’m speaking in unknown tongues, all in attempt to ‘contain myself’… It’s not working.

“Driver!”

“Yes”

“Ejo, taa ba de filling station, joo ba mi ya. Mo fe lo toilet”

Se ito abi iyagbe?

Good Lord. This dude is from hell. Like it’s not bad enough that I just announced to the whole vehicle that I need to go to the toilet, he needs me to categorically state exactly what business I need to transact there… *sigh*

“Iyagbe.”

This is quite likely among the top5 most embarassing moments of my entire life.

[01.15h after take-off]

We roll to a stop and I all but dive out the car after grabbing the roll of toilet paper I, thankfully, remembered to bring along. In case of emergencies. One of which presented itself a little over an hour ago.

I run to the fuel attendants, they point me in the direction of heaven and I race towards my salvation… Only to be assaulted with the most disturbing excuse for a w.c. I’ve seen in a long, long while… But it’s still heaven. I dash inside, lock the door and proceed to do a little jig to keep shut the sphincter that is threatening to let loose all hell before my belt and zipper can get out of the way into heaven.

I assume the position. Finally.

All hell breaks loose.

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrhtyruewbwsjddycxdfveiwebfdsakskssggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

I see heaven and it is beautiful. I look behind me to see the hellish devastation that my innermost man has unleashed on this place and I am well pleased.

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55 comments on “SH!T

  1. jayajade says:

    omg!!!! *rolling*

    Like

  2. Tosan says:

    I shud say shit business is serious business so dont play wth it

    Like

  3. ranchosblog says:

    Lol! Laughing my butt out (no pun intended). I know how it is.

    My best lines: ‘why I had I gone
    ahead and eaten the yam pottage?
    (Aside: if you think that should be
    ‘yam porridge’, you’re a putrifying
    sack of depreciated olodo)’

    God bless you Toxic. I’m tired of screaming that it’s ‘pottage’, not ‘porridge’. Pottage, people. Pottage.

    Like

  4. Dazzle says:

    Lmfaoooooo this was just too funny!

    Like

  5. Celibrate brother says:

    LMFAO…at least you got a toilet to use. I had to make do with a bush path along Lag-Ib express some 12 years ago…still shudder at the thought.

    Like

    • 0latoxic says:

      That was the broad daylight nightmare that continuously played in my mind’s eye, mehn. As it progressively got worse, every clump of vegetation began to look more and more attractive. That toilet was heaven, mehn. No lies. Whew!

      Like

  6. Dosh says:

    Holy shit! I can smell it, eeewwwww!!!

    Lmho! Thank goodness for public toilets, they are like that ugly step sister with a world of personality everyone loves to hate but secretly admmits they’re shit without her in time of trouble.

    Like

  7. Ibukun says:

    LMAOOOOOO I’m just dead. Dead

    Like

  8. Sirkastiq says:

    This had me laughing foolishly.

    This should be on TSC…y’know seeing as we’re awesome like that and this is a flash of your actual non-existent brilliance.

    -__-

    Like

  9. @dimeji90 says:

    Nice one. A running stomach has never been more entertaining.

    Like

  10. Jeremy Targert Speaks says:

    LOOOOL. Mehn. Shit business is real business.

    Like

  11. jennie says:

    Looooool. OMG!!! I kent. I just kent!!!

    The one time I experienced this was last year. It was 5:30am and I was in traffic. The A/C was on but I was sweating profusely. I kept begging God to see me through. I’m sure I spoke in tongues. Finally parked the car somewhere safe and went to hunt for heaven.

    *wipes brow at the memory*

    And yes its pottage!

    Like

  12. Oh my God, you just made me laughter out loud in my meeting. Now I’m gonna get sacked and its all your (and the bad asaro’s) fault!!!

    Like

  13. Tee says:

    LMAO!! at least u were lucky….. I always had to use the bush!!! the driver though!!!! did he have to ask?

    Like

  14. Coolbree says:

    OMG! This is just too funny. I had a similar experience, but it wasnt the *major* I had to scream in the luxurious bus when i couldn’t handle it anymore “Driver, stop the bus now”. Driver slams on brakes, asks what the problem is. Panting and walking up and down the aisle i scream “I need to piss”. 🙂 Ran out of the bus, didn’t mind that everyone was looking *shutting my eyes*. Major major embarrassment. Driver had to pull away from where i was to save the lil decency i still had left. Got into the bus and got the laugh of my life!! Just grateful it wasn’t the “Major one”! (not so much of a difference though).

    Like

    • Damilola says:

      Rotflmao on a large scale! HAHA! Y were u panting and walkin up and down the aisle? What is piss or labor pains? If for the minor 1 u were like this, i don’t want to imagine what u were have done if it was the major 1. lol. Start pullin out ur hair and strangling d driver abi?

      Like

  15. MPDchic says:

    This is just too funny n more so cos I dint c it coming. Started reading with “serious mindset” forming ok true story, lyf lesson, Yadayada… My bad. D topic says sh!t. So wot did Oluchi say when u returned from heaven?

    Like

  16. frankices says:

    Ewwwww.

    But cud ‘heaven’ flush tho? That’s another issue.

    Like

  17. Miss Dew says:

    =D =D ♒ђåª•ђåª•ђåª♒=D =D ….happens to d best of us!…most times nowadays I try not to eat much d day b4 travelling,…to avoid any mishap!…but d driver tho!…amebo toh badt!

    Like

  18. Qurr says:

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Like

  19. Mona says:

    “Se ito abi iyagbe?” LOOOOOL!

    Like

  20. Annie says:

    PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

    Eeeeeeew!!!…but Loooooooool.

    Like

  21. Ojuolape says:

    L-O-L! Delightful! Err…I mean, poor you. 😦

    Like

  22. AA says:

    Can someone die of/from laughter??? I think I almost did, as in…the laughter hook my chest cavity, oh dear. Coolbree’s comment had me almost rolling off the plastic seat of this ceramic receptacle from whence I read this post.

    Like

  23. TOH!!! Can you just see your life on the main road (make that express). Next time don’t eat asaro in a town that’s not your own before a journey of several miles.

    Good one by the way. It’s so rare to see you doing comic prose. More grease to your bu…nvm.

    Like

  24. Seye says:

    looooool. Hell in heaven.

    Like

  25. Toinlicious says:

    Oh lord! At least you got to heaven. You should read this: http://www.toinlicious.blogspot.com/2012/07/quickie.html

    Like

  26. olayemi says:

    Lmao! Omg nigga u craziee! Follow me bk on twirra puh-leaseeeeeee!

    Like

  27. captainquest says:

    Lmaoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  28. sbchatty says:

    LOL!!!
    Hilarity

    Like

  29. bharyour says:

    Reblogged this on Agbólóhùn and commented:
    This was the hilarious (well for me!) aftermath of one of my groomsmen’s Osogbo experience during my wedding. Have a laugh 🙂

    Like

  30. TDee says:

    All lizards lie on their bellies but we can’t tell which has got a stomach ache/upset. Wow! That much Kinetic energy was contained within thy vessel, yet, not an iota of it could be perceived in your expressions. You kept your cool. And those your wine frames were quite concealing (Now I reckon). Kai!
    Driver: “Ito ABI iyagbe?” Me: “rara, ifo’yin (ifo eyin – teeth brushing)

    Like

  31. Oluchi says:

    A lovely combo of rib-cracking humor and wit. Lol! Broda oni spectacles, eku ise….

    Like

  32. Damilola says:

    Hi Olatoxic. Dayo, the bride’s brother sent me this link and said “Have a good read and laugh”. And oh mehn, I did. It was even a whole lot worse cause i attended d wedding. If ny1 had told me u were this funny, i’ll have said it wasn’t true. 1question, yeah, what happened when u got back in2 the car? Now i’m rotflmao @d concluding part of this story. Good 1.

    Like

  33. Damilola says:

    Thot my own shit story was interesting till i heard my brother’s. So he went to read in a catholic church around his school(for security reasons.his school@dat time was in a village). So around 2am, he realised “OMGOOOOOOSSSSHHHHH! This cannot be happening.” Yours truly, went to read with his friends and there was a babe amongst them(why must there was always be a babe there?) The chic noticed his discomfort and brother actually said “It’s ulcer pains! The thing used 2hook me once in a while”(IMAGINE O!) That was d day he realised cocks crow @2am in d mornin. After a while, he had to take compulsory stroll by 3am. He then stripped naked beside someone’s house 2attend 2 d needs of his ‘innerman’. The rams also strolling @that time took a seat to understand my brother’s coordination. Since, he didnt envisage this kind of event, he had neither tissue nor water to clean up his business.So what did he use?! I can’t even say that part.

    Like

  34. Damilola says:

    May her soul rest in perfect peace. She had such a lovely name. We need to learn to check up on our loved ones, be there for them, pray for them and tell them we love them as much as we can.

    Like

  35. eclectictope says:

    Olatoxic, if anyone calls you brother oni spectacles again, report to me. loll

    Like

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