Day 5: Justin

I am still trying to figure Justin out. Recent addition to my TL, and now, guest here. I love the way he wrote his entry though. I intend to go look for other stuff he’s written. This first though…

_____

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

As the lights come on, I wince: this photo-sensitivity the result of years in the dark. As you stare curiously at this (hulking? Cowering? Skulking? Towering? Method acting has never been my forte) man before you, you probably wonder if I suffer from the rare Xeroderma pigmentosum.

No, my years of darkness are not the result of a genetic defect. I speak figuratively. I am just a hermit. But not a hermit like you would think. I have even coined a word for my kind of hermitine propensity.

I call it my “Socially Prohibitive but Expressively Unhinging Hermitic Proclivity.” To simplify – I would avoid company if I can, but where I cannot, I actually tend to be the life of the party.

Figuratively, of course. I wouldn’t give CPR to the idiot who drowned in the punch bowl.

Unless the idiot is female.

With breasts.

And by ‘breasts,’ I mean those things on the chest that pass the “D’s” cut-off mark.

You are restive, I see. You came here to read about my hope for 2014, and here I am rambling about punchbowls and hermits. I assure you – I do not ramble. In fact, I cannot ramble. I find rambling a sign of unintelligence and with that I am impatient.

Action.

My handle is TheVunderkind. In the land of children born with no exceptional gifts, I am king. I was born so ordinary, that my ordinariness is extraordinary. I am Extraordinarily Ordinary. I am no maverick, no infant terrible, no maestro, and, by Jupiter’s enlarged testicles, no Vunderkind either.

Enter my parents, greatest tricksters of the 90’s.

My parents fed me with the idea that I was extraordinary. To them, I have a gift. When I make a retarded scribble, my mum would clap with glee and declare me the modern day Pablo (due respect to Jay-Z). When I score a 60/100 in a test, my dad would proclaim proudly to his drinking buddies, “AND HE DIDN’T EVEN READ FOR IT! IMAGINE WHAT HE WOULD HAVE SCORED IF HE READ???”

Of course, you know what happened. I started becoming extraordinary. A sympathetic response to the expectations of papa and mama, and here we are again.

I spent the first year in school on an effortless first class. Then, like MI said, “the money issues came, and the drizzles turned to rain,” and I was looking at deferring my education.

Writing saved me. Literally. I discovered that I could get paid good money writing. I began to write and paid less attention to school. I went through school on autopilot, fam, hardly reading or even attending classes. Niggah, I missed almost all my tests.

I graduated well enough.

Eleven days after graduating, I got a job. The interview was just a formality. I knew I had it from the first phone call. No, I’m not conceited. I just knew it.

Why have I given that extremely sketchy story of my life? No idea, but I think it helps you understand how my 2014 might/should be, given the odds.

On February 13th, 2014, NYSC will grant me parole on good behavior, and I can begin looking forward to planning my life. Let me break my life down in segments at this point.

Work

I got an offer this December. An offer which, if I agree to it, doubles my current NYSC salary (I’m not talking the N19,800, to be clear) and makes me the manager of the company. It’s a start-up, by the way, so I will be learning business management from the beginning.

You don’t know how excited I am.

As content/community manager for my company, I will be able to officially study human content needs, filter and curate and deliver content that is both handy and timely. I will be controlling an in-house and outsourced team, leading. This excites me. Leading is challenging, and I want to prove in 2014 that even though I may not have been born a leader, I have, by sheer force of will, made myself one.

Of course, the pay packet is also an incentive, but it isn’t even the primary one. I’ve spent the better part of my life living poor, I am still skeptical about money. I watched my family switch from affluence to palm-kernel breaking (figuratively) in the blink of an eye. It is for this reason I will not be putting much stock in money but on self-development.

I aim to be the veritable maestro in my field, and it starts in 2014.

Relationships

I have had (only) two relationships in my life. The first with a girl who was so infatuated with me that I made the mistake of obliging a relationship out of sympathy. The second with the only girl I have ever loved more than myself. It was in the course of the second relationship I discovered several flaws in my character.

After three and a half years of Rihanna and Chris Brown livin’ (we didn’t throw physical punches though), I decided to end it. And I did. Callously, a casual observer might add. But I didn’t care then. I still do not care now.

I love her still…

I have remained single throughout 2013, and I have tackled most of my worst flaws and tried to subdue the lesser evils. I think, in 2014, I may be ready to enter the relationship market.

I may come off as a prude with this next statement, but it is true. A girl must be exceptionally special for me to fall in love with her. As my friends know, I am neither a face, boob not ass guy. There is an abstract quality in a girl (I can’t even define it now) that attracts me to her. When I see it, I know it.

See, I need a princess to make a queen. It is only fair that I present her with a prince to make her king.

By the way – extraneous – I hope to father a child by 2016 😀

God

My faith has taken successive and recurrent hits since 2008, and my walk with God suddenly crashed at the end of 2012 and spilled into 2013.

Church is meaningless to me, even as I type this. The bible looks like a regular book (and if I read the KJV version, I can almost imagine Shakespeare winking at me as he sucks on the nib of his quill), and I do not apologize for this.

I am going to try again. I am going to try to find God again, on my own terms. Not on the world’s. I hope I find favor in this regard.

Family

“Ohana means family, and it means no one gets left behind…” that’s a line from Lilo and Stitch (I think).

That’s it, in summation. I’ll make sure no one gets left behind. I can smell the wind of fortune blowing this way, and as we flap windward, I’ll make sure no one of my family gets snagged on some errant tree branch.

Kill the lights.

I am done.

Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen.

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54 comments on “Day 5: Justin

  1. Sirkastiq says:

    Kinda ended abruptly.
    Loved the writing anyway.

    Like

  2. Ameena says:

    best one so far… read it twice already… makes u reflect on the writers life ad well as your own

    Like

  3. Why did he stop..,like that?
    Loved it, the writing its content… Awesomeness

    Like

  4. teleola says:

    Look who is eager to show us that he reads Dean Koontz and it is always your type with over-expectations, that end up with the A cups of this world.
    You put “will” in work & family and “decided” & “need” in your relationship but “try” in God who happens to be the most important as He makes all others possible for you to do, but who am I to preach to you. I am still here prying my eyes open for the logs lodged in them. At least, you have glasses to see through the speck in yours.
    I was certain of your age range before but now that you put “father” by 2016, I am sure I had it all wrong as you are planning wedding this year or next, thanks to your prospective job with the times-two salary OR you just want a child no matter.
    I wish you well.

    Like

    • Vunderkind says:

      LOL. Tele, the bible says “I will have mercy on who I will have mercy on…” (or something like that.) When I say I will “try,” I mean it is because there is only so much I can do. The Israelites were as much a bunch of unbelievers as Pharaoh was, but God saved them nonetheless and condemned Pharaoh. There it is…

      And as to my age, haha. I’m old enough to get married. ‘Nuff said.

      Thanks, babe 😀

      Like

  5. djay_prinze says:

    Makes me look at Justin in a whole new light. Always knew he had the depth but this,this right here blew me away. We have similarities and then we have disparities but all in all,I can say with boldness and conviction we are not better than the next person either in terms of finance or religion wise. Go on ahead and find God,he’s waiting to be found.
    As for the baby making,I’m a sure yoruba boy,I’m always ready for any party. Don’t dull and as the common,annoying slang says ‘TURN UP’.
    I hope 2014 favours u and favours me and all ur wishes come thru. From ur Proteegee.
    Oh and as for the babes part,U FAGGIT! I’m done.

    Like

    • Vunderkind says:

      LMAO. Na you I go first send the invite for both the igbeyawo and the naming ceremony. Might even make you godfather if you dobale nicely…

      Thanks for the kind words, Deji. I appreciate them.

      Like

  6. cecilewhite says:

    This was interesting to read. I wasnt going to read it yet, but certain remarks caught attention. Its a motivation of sorts; for me that is. Reading this was worth while.

    Like

  7. ventus91 says:

    Magnificent (that’d my word of the year). Also caught the reference to fear nothin and/or seize the night. Nice to finally meet you Justin

    Like

  8. Bkay says:

    Good piece…. Im trying to see beyond the optimism brewing beneath the surface and i hope to God for all our sakes this year turns out great. Cynic that i am, you’ve got me looking forward to living this year.

    Like

  9. BluePaet says:

    My first conment on a blogpost in months. All I can say is Godspeed, you’re gonna need it.

    Like

  10. The Psyenctist says:

    Beautiful structure, Justin. Another enthralling piece. Some demystification right here. Much needed. Good to know you’ve had heterosexual relationships. >_> Remember to remit my share of our salary. You’re family already.(famzing)
    One love, man. *Brofist

    Like

    • Vunderkind says:

      LMAO. I sense your disappointment in discovering that I am straight. Eeyah. Pele.

      Beegrudgingly, I gotta admit, you’re family too…*hides wallet inside inner boxers*

      Brofist, fam.

      Like

  11. Walt Shakes says:

    The writing, superb. The imagery, boy, I could literally see Justin leap off the screen at me. But one thing I find enviable is how much self assuredness that oozes from every line. This is the kind of guy I’d like tσ be when I grow.

    Like

  12. oluwadunni says:

    I’m like Justin’s biggest admirer. Some think it’s a crush, some say I’m biased. *shrugs*
    So of course, this is awesome.
    No, seriously, it is; he hardly ever writes personal, heartfelt, non-fictional pieces like this. Still, humour is never absent.
    Thanks for the infectious optimism. I won’t discuss the other eye-catching issues here. :p

    Like

  13. blaqknyght says:

    A short memoir and the mystery that is Vunderkind goes *poof*. *sigh
    Why did you do this man?

    Like

  14. wocky says:

    Nice one..loved the intro was kinda funny. I feel inspired but not sure in what aspect exactly.

    Like

  15. sagachristos says:

    Haha…so vundie this one that ur starting company business does this mean ur offer to me to join you in ur farm business is now over? lol <_<
    Anyway congrats on your job. Wish you all the best in this year.
    PS: Can I get to name ur pikin when it comes? 😀

    Like

    • Vunderkind says:

      See ehn, seeing as you named yourself sagachristos, I gatz keep my child far away from your nomenclatural enthusiasm.

      Don’t worry; the farm will kick off. Later than sooner, but it will kick off nonetheless.

      Thanks, boss 😀

      Like

  16. Seunayo says:

    Rooting for you, Justin. All the way.

    Like

  17. phyrdausi says:

    Heeeeeeeey!!!! I ramble! Nice read. 🙂

    Like

  18. ayobami says:

    An honest soul-baring transparent exposition,splashed onto a page on wordpress,this reveals you’re human after all,always thought you were some sort of enigmatic recluse and all,your brilliance and versatility earned you the goodies,wishing you the very best sire (Y)

    Like

  19. Aarinolaoluwa says:

    This got me going ‘Hahahaha’ and ‘awwww’… Wish you a blessed year
    John 6:37b : ‘ANYONE that comes to me, I will in no wise cast out’
    May all your dreams come true! 🙂

    Like

  20. janusaneni says:

    I’ve heard part of Justin’s story before, so it’s not all that surprising. But every time I do sha, the offhand manner he’s able to say things that I’m sure go way deep always intrigues me..
    Stay strong bro..may your humour always stand for you. And 2014 is going to be awesome.

    Like

    • Vunderkind says:

      Look. It’s Janus. Probably the only person who knows too much about me. Smh. He knows too much…he should be killed.

      Thanks fam. You’re my bro, whether you like it or not.

      Like

  21. sammoyd17 says:

    Socially Prohibitive but
    Expressively Unhinging Hermitic
    Proclivity? Two questions: What are the symptoms? Is that where you get all your awesomeness from?

    Like

  22. zeenike says:

    Vundie!!! May the road rise to meet and the wind be always at your back. It can ONLY get better. I’ve always known you’re special, I’ve told you that before, haven’t I?

    Like

  23. enajyte says:

    You never surprise me, maybe because I have such high expectations of you.

    Go on. Conquer your world.

    You best name you child after me.

    Like

  24. jasmine says:

    Most bloggers write about themselves but yours seemed like it was taken from deep inside… *one gold star*
    The first sentence of the fourth paragraph took less than a minute to decipher (thanks to the mini-thesarus in the head). Love the mix of them figures of speech.

    There’s a minor thing though…don’t conclude about anything. Try rambling sometime, ey?

    The best in all you wish yourself this year. 🙂

    Like

  25. Vunderkind says:

    Reblogged this on A.g(r)eek and commented:
    This is the best thing I’ve written all year (so far.). Thanks OlaToxic.

    Like

  26. […] was an interesting year. It is the first year where I achieved everything I planned to achieve 100% – yes, right down to the funny little financial/material aspects even I didn’t […]

    Like

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