Day 31: Shirley

Yes… I know… How can there be a 31st day when it’s #30DaysOfHope? Well, you might as well read the final entry for this year’s edition of #30DaysOfHope project while you ruminate over that. All hail Shirlz…

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My hair has grown quite a bit. One thing they tell you about natural hair is that, as it grows its texture will change. This is because your follicles are responding to the improved care. Strands become thicker, smoother, healthier… The problem with this is, ever so often you’d find yourself with a totally new head of hair. BUT YOU HAD YOUR HAIR ALL FIGURED OUT! You had your routine down like clockwork, you figured out what products did what and all the quick fixes. Now, you would have to do that shit all over again

Apologies for the natural hair lesson but my point is, we think we have it all figured out then life happens and suddenly we have a whole new head of hair

“We were made in Gods own image therefore have the power of creation. We have the ability to speak things into existence”

I gave up making New Year Resolutions ages ago. It seemed pointless, mostly getting abandoned by mid February anyway. However, I have come to realise the importance of setting goals, not just thinking them but speaking them out loud into the universe. By declaring a thing out loud, we have made ourselves accountable, we owe it to ourselves. So in a bid to break the surface of complacency…

In 2014, I’d love to actually give a fuck! Somewhere along the line I got tired and I quit. I quit trying because I didn’t want to fail, I quit caring because I didn’t want to get hurt, I quit hoping because I didn’t want to be disappointed. It so easy to get by with minimal effort, except there’s a hollow feeling that echoes the call of buried dreams. Then there is that huge wall to keep out the bad stuff and intruders; people who think they get a vote. As these things go, it also keeps out the people who care about you, IN SPITE of you. This year, I want to nurture relationships – Be a better daughter, sister and friend. I found God last year and I really want to make this the most important relationship in my life. I want to build and not burn bridges, I want to forgive and be more tolerant of people’s flaws. It is impossible to be completely immune to pain, the trick is to stay in expectation of the good stuff; to hope

I spend a lot of time sitting in the dark. I believe darkness focuses the mind revealing the true nature of things (there are so many ways I find this to be true but that’s a whole other thing). Light is important too, revealing things hidden in the dark, things such as your reflection; it gives perspective. Finding Balance – The dark might be where I find my art but I do need to come out and play. I don’t have to change who I am to connect with people, compromise isn’t such a bad thing.

I will let myself be vulnerable. By now my trust issues are obvious I’m sure but a lot of it doesn’t stem from hurt. Growing up in an atypical household, the weird fat kid with dark jokes and nose always buried in a book, I grew a thick skin very quick. My mum, a single parent couldn’t afford to indulge our every whim and fantasy so I grew very practical too, I had to be strong. As great as being strong is, it also means you deny yourself a part of your humanity. It is ok to be sad sometimes. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to make mistakes. I will be less hard on myself. I will get over my fear of commitment.

“Where is the fun in forever?”

This has more to do with career than with relationships. I have “What if I commit and I get bored? What if it’s too late to walk away?” Plan Bs and Cs always takes something away from your focus, it’s not worth the time if it isn’t worth the risk basically. So I will write (hey, look I wrote for the first time in years), I will draw (for the heck of it), I will make the videos I feel like making and I will put it all out. I will share my art; the pieces of me I’ve so protective of, in the hopes that it will find root, yield fruit and feed the mind of someone in need.

It’s the last day of January and there has been no major event or breakthrough but that’s ok. I’m rediscovering things in the light that I am very familiar with in the dark. I’m learning to trust in God’s perfect will. When I decided to do this, the plan was to stay anonymous but that is just me hiding behind the wall again, isn’t it? So I threw out the well planned, well structured first draft and decided to go at this by feel. I’m not even going to read it a second time just so I don’t change my mind again

My name is Shirley and 2014 is the year I let myself heal.

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One comment on “Day 31: Shirley

  1. 4evaphoenix says:

    I totally get this…it reads like it could have been written by a future me. Cos i’m still not there yet. Really like it. 🙂

    Like

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