“Casting a disappointed glance at his past year, our protagonist heaves a resolute sigh, adjusting his hitherto tumped over life and bravely tilts his cap to give him the impressive stance of a libido-drunk golfer.
“It is at this stage we see him hit the gym, kissing each bicep lovingly for every 200 lifts or so (we get ever so distracted when counting these things), and in a matter of months, the protagonist assumes a Johnny Bravoic gait as he has consecutively neglected to do leg day.
“But, lo! Time yet aboundeth aplenty as he rushes to the gymnasium to coerce spindly legs to catch up with exquisitely buff body.
“We may have neglected to mention that the protagonist, within the first month of his year, acquired a sweet crib, which he sanctified unto the Lord and desists from using for fornication because the protagonist is just good people like that. With that landmark hit, the protagonist whips out his laptop, having cracked the programmers’ secret codes, first with the third letter of the alphabet, then to the sharp third letter of the alphabet. He may, of course, wrestle the python to become King Snake Tamer, but that is up for speculation as it is.
“He also randomly whips out either laptop, tablet or notepad (etc etc, any flat surface with the right tools will do for him) and creates self-serving drawings to the oohs and aahs of a crowd conveniently arranged for the sole purpose of providing accompanying oohs and aahs…
“Somewhere along the line, the protagonist earns more than he is used to spending, and his lowkey philanthropist expands in volume and God probably winks somewhere in this narrative, as if to say, hey, what a jolly good specimen of clay I have wrought right there.
“The protagonist has given up hopes at this point of rearing a beard and as such shall dedicate his free time to tending to an afro that refuses to conform to the internationally laid-down rules for afrocentric foliage (an arbitrary term which must not be looked into too closely for fear of the reader’s discombobulation.)
“The protagonist then proceeds to purchases a car, which he shall affectionately christen the Vundiemobile, and somewhere along the year’s timeline, he shall embark on a journey to Madagascar. Or Seychelles. Fate shall yet be the one to decide that.
“Books shall be conquered as the huge-headed protagonist’s brain engulfs planetlets of knowledge, becomes more sagely and increasingly more intuitive and somewhere along the line, a beautiful woman shall find the protagonist, for all his quirks and shortcomings, the excellent partner, and thus shall begin a love life to rival your favourite romantic tale.
“All in all, it would be a katikati year for the protagonist, but when he shall come to a screeching halt upon the 31st day of December, 2015, the protagonist shall beam grandly, having accomplished in one year what should have been done in three….”
This is what will happen for me this year, if I have any sense at all.
Thanks for the soapbox, OlaToxic.