I have no new year resolutions. Lemme just get that out. Most of the things that formed my resolution last year are there collecting dust in the graveyard of promises I made to myself, it’s kinda sad but I need to work on my self-will and slay this spirit of procrastination, it has cost me a lot. All I’d like to do is to be useful in some tangible way. Last year was full of contrasts for me, I spent the former half going to and from like an automaton without a plan, I was in a right funk, I wasn’t sure what it was but I knew something had to give.
The fear of failure is something that has always plagued me, it creeps up when I least expect it, words are the surest triggers, this time, it was Street Dreams by Nas ft. R. Kelly. Odd, huh? There’s a line in the song that goes, ‘I saw my life flash in front of my eyes….’ and my heart skipped a beat and that old fear was back. I don’t know if anyone else get this, a fear lurking beneath, just waiting for a chance to wave at you. I had a pretty decent job, good pay but I knew I was going through the motions. Anyway, I decided that week that I was going to quit and take some time off, and that is what I did. I wanted to put some work toward things I enjoyed. I had a conversation with my parents about it, my mother was thoroughly bemused, pops was cool but in the end, it didn’t matter what they said, I would have done it.
So, in the months that I have been off work, I’ve been a T-shirt seller, a culture writer, an amatuer photog, got myself a website that I take somewhat seriously and discovered that I dig politics and not just as a hobby. This doesn’t have to entail me running for office either, I need to find where exactly it is I find but I at least the journey is clearer now, right? Should all the stars align, I’ll also be moving home this year, that was supposed to happen last year but all kinda things got in the way. I’ve said yes now, I think my chi agrees, in any case, I’ll find out.
Last year, I discovered that I didn’t take myself, my interests and talents seriously. It sounds kinda conceited and I feel silly writing it but I have thought it over, if I had listened to myself earlier, I would have almost rid myself of the fear that won’t be silenced. Something woulda popped for sure by now and I would have been cool with that. Instead, I feel like I am starting from scratch but it’s all good, better late than never, right? On that note, I have a knack for critiquing music! That has come as a pleasant surprise, so I will do that as a side thing, I am still tryna figure out how to parley that into something that adds value to the general discourse on music and maybe make some money outta putting content on my site, that’ll be pretty dope.
Part of being an adult is being financially responsible, something I haven’t always been. I am pretty impulsive but 6 months off work will force prudence on you, as a matter of fact, mine is a guest on my desk, smiling as I type this. My lack of a new phone is my biggest testament to its presence. Prudence says “hi everyone”.
So, that is last year in review. I learnt so much, I am not sure even I realise quite how much. If I am as focused as I should be, a lot of things that I have done in these six months should stand me in good stead for long time, if not forever. What I’d like most this year is for the move to Naija to happen and for me to be settled, I would like to look at the year and be thankful that I got most of the things that I wanted, it’s a lot to ask for and it requires me stepping way outta my comfort zone but I think I’m ready, the time off has helped me be certain about a lot things, I’ve met people I wouldn’t have had the time for otherwise and that’s great. I am hopeful and excited, let’s hope the year pops!
Happy New Year to you all, may it be kind.