Dusk 9: Jennifer

The years before: 

“I don’t know if anything good will ever come out of you. You are a disappointment”  

These words. They hunted me. They stalked me. They followed me all my life. I was scared of taking decisions, scared of making suggestions. Scared of voicing out my feelings. I was scared of making mistakes. I didn’t want to disappoint anybody.

“We should break up, this thing won’t work, we need sometime apart, I would always be here if you want to talk”  

He had sent me this sms. I was hurt, but I didn’t cry. Too hurt that my tears were frozen and wouldn’t come. I typed a long reply to tell him how much I loved him and how much I couldn’t function without him and how I would die if he left me. I didn’t send it. I was scared it would yield nothing. 

I felt so unloved, my already depreciating self confidence dropped to nothing . I was always smiling and full of life but deep down, I was a mess. I hated my self, I hated my life, I hated the world. 

“You switched to a new department, you have to step down.”. The Faculty officer said.

“But I wasn’t aware, I wasn’t told all these. I’m in my final year, how would I step down”. I blurted out and then bursted into tears. 

Oh, I was scared, I was heartbroken. I couldn’t believe it. So I was really a failure, I was really a disappointment. I couldn’t get anything right. I was a total disaster. 

“You are a total disaster and a disgrace” He had always said. 

I was a disgrace too. 

2014:  I wasn’t going to let what people said or did to me define me. I wasn’t going to let the selfish university lecturers decide my future. I decided to do my part. I decided to put in all of my efforts into it. It wasn’t easy, but God helped me and I did it. Sat in class with people a set below me, I took their jokes, I laughed with them. They loved me, I loved them back. 

2014, taught me humility and good relationship with people.

I became humble and lost all the friends pride came with and gained new friends. 

I learnt to reach out. 

2014 taught me to forgive, i’m still learning to forgive. If only I can forgive this one person. 

In 2014,I started exercising. I met chiamaka Aniuno, she taught me how to run, I started running. I learnt to watch my eating habit . I lost 10kg. (i’m still a work in progress).  

I wrote my exams, I aced them. I aced them. The lecturers were famzing.  He too was famzing

“My daughter, I always knew you took after me, look at you, beauty and brains”. He said to me. It’s 2014. 

“You are a blessing to this family. I’m proud to be your father”. He said again. It’s 2014. 

2014, despite its highlights taught me that family doesn’t always have to be blood. Your family could be anywhere,anyone. I learnt that not everybody who is blood is family. 

“Look at you, you look very beautiful. I ll call you, we have some catching up to”. I ran into him at the mall. 

“Oh, i’m sorry, let’s get back together. I miss you, I miss us, we made magic together, I miss you Jae”.  He told me over lunch in one of those fancy restaurants. 

I missed him, but I didn’t feel the way I felt last year.i didn’t love him enough to make such magic with him again.  I made a different kind of magic on my own now. 

I met Koye. It’s so easy to love him. So easy. He has been a great friend. 

2014 was my year of healing, recovery and rehabilitation.  I’m grateful to God for my mother. Without her prayers and patience, I wouldn’t  have been able to write this today. 

2015: cheers to all the beauty and awesomeness you will come with. 

* This year i’m going take care of my body and love the hell out of it. Get fit and healthy.  

* It’s 2015 and i’m going to curtail my spending habits, pay my tithes in church  and put in more efforts at my work place. (I just started working) and I need to really stop procrastinating and start saving people’s numbers on my phone. I never save numbers and most of my friends and acquaintances are beginning to complain so much. 

* I’m going to be more expressive of my feeling towards people, I hate confrontations hence i’m good at sucking up the way I feel, whether good or bad.

* I’m going to visit the mother less babies home Once every month this year. 

* I will spend more time this year, appreciating my mum and sisters the more. I want to call them at random times to say I love them. They have been my strength.

*This is a tad bit too personal, but i’m going to say it anyway. I need to forgive my dad and let go of all the grudges I hold against him, but I can’t seem to. I’m going to take it slow and pray God gives me the strength to because I don’t want the hate in my heart to consume me. 

* This 2015 I MUST learn to draw my brows. I must get a make up purse,i’m tired of begging my mischievous friends to give me a face beat. I should learn to fold and arrange my closet this year.

* I’m going to fall in Love this year, LOL. No holding back anymore. I want to make magic with someone this year. I’m going fall and fall and fall so hard in love. (i’m sure my romeo will catch me). 

2015 is looking great already. Happy new year people. 

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11 comments on “Dusk 9: Jennifer

  1. Busayo Yetunde Odumade Davies says:

    Great…encouraging…many people are faced with similar things and all they need to know is every change starts from the mind and must not end there…ACT ACT ACT 2015

    Like

  2. hrh7 says:

    Jennifer dear,
    I wish you all the best. And may God help you fulfil your goals this year.
    Hugs. Be happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. MPDchic says:

    Happy new year and here is wishing u all these n more. You are very brave and I must commend it.

    Like

  4. enajyte says:

    YouTube has some great videos for drawing the brows.

    If you’re in Lag we could do the motherless babies’ home visits together. Unless it’s a solo project.

    The hurt will not quite go away, but forgiviness makes it easier to bear. I know.

    Love. Love. Love. *hugs*

    To a fulfilling 2015. Shalom.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Someday, Jennifer, you’ll feel the peace that forgiving, letting go and letting God brings, the kind that’ll become the wind beneath your wings. I know that peace now.

    Praying you a progressively resplendent 2015! May God-inspired joy be the spring in your steps and may answers in all shades and forms dog your every phase.

    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish you all the best this year Jennifer..what will supersede your own expectations…

    As I read the first line, this passage I studied in the morning came to me-John 1:46 “Nathaneal exclaimed, can anything good come from Nazareth? And Phillip told him, come and see for yourself..”

    Well, we all know what He saw.
    Jesus knew their doubts but loved them anyway.
    After the miracles, the same Nathaneal worshiped Jesus as the messiah, Jesus held no grudges. He knew that people are fickle, praise you today, love you tomorrow.
    I pray that same love Jesus had for people will come alive in you. It’s already she’d abroad in your heart, I just pray it conquers all, including unforgiveness.

    Wish you all the bestest 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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