I JUST WANT TO LIVE!
Like everyone else I tend to begin my year with resolutions. For different years I have planned to get a new job, keep fit, further my education and the constant grow deeper in my faith. I am a planner and overanalyser and I always have my plans written down with timelines in a little book that goes everywhere with me.
This year is different. I rang in 2015 with so much joy and happiness in my church with only one unwritten resolution, “I just want to live!”
I have a habit of naming my years (I got this from the yearly pentecostal church themes) and these names have helped with understand each phase of life I find myself in.
2013 was my defining year. My Dad who I loved more than life, loved more than I love myself, who to me was only second to God Almighty passed on. Each time I felt like my world was over and I had no reason to live I repeated to myself that 2013 was my defining year and that the rest of my life was going to be determined by how I handled my Dad’s death. I lived.
I have lovingly referred to 2014 as my year of patience because it was in this year I knew first hand about the frailty of our human body. I began 2014 with high hopes, expecting that I would achieve all that I was unable to achieve in 2013 due to the loss and mourning of my Dad but this was not to be. 28th January 2014 was the scariest day of my life. I went into the operating theatre for the first time in my life. I found myself unable to do the simplest of tasks and getting out was a chore. My human body failed me in so many ways that sometimes I wondered if it wasn’t easier to just lie down and die. I was diagnosed with an invisible illness (I wrote about it here) and I am slowly recovering from its effects on my body and learning to live with the condition.
This is my year of self. I will put myself before others and pay more attention to my personal needs. I grew up having to think about others and how my actions affects those close to me and I a lot of the time pleased others to my own detriment. I will eat healthy and take care of my body, good health is wealth and that can never be overstated. I want to enjoy this year as much as I can; I want to go on the vacations I couldn’t enjoy last year because I was unable to travel. I have decided to lend my voice to create awareness for the disease I suffer and I look forward to helping others deal with the ailment. But most of all I want to love myself and accept that even in my weakness and frailty I am very much loved by God.
I just want to live!