Things I (Will Never) Say

I’m not comfortable with saying these things. I wish I didn’t. I make a conscious effort to not say them out… but these words are constantly being screamed within the cavernous spaces in my head. At certain times in the past, I’ve been hopeful that I will someday be able to reverse the import of these words and in effect, the words themselves. But this has not happened and I have lost much hope.

Theses are words I say that I wish I didn’t.

I used to be a rapper.

I used to be a dancer.

I used to read a lot.

I used to have friends visit me at home.

I used to be more social.

I used to write poetry.

I used to be a sculptor.

I used to draw regularly.

I used to make music.

Some of these words are foregone conclusions. I will say them till the day I die. I’m resigned to the realities they form. I’m tempted to say “These words will never change” but someone once made the profound statement to “Never say never”. 

A few of these though are malleable. There are steps, mostly drastic, which I could take and possibly reverse these words and perhaps, someday I will.

There are other words though, which scare me. They threaten me daily to become as solid in my consciousness as the words above. I hope to never have reason to say them out loud. I never will.

These are words I hope to never say.

I used to make photographs.

I used to write.

I used to be an artist.

I used to be a blogger.

I used to be a romantic.

I used to be on twitter.

I used to design.

I used to want to get married.

I used to love Instagram.

I used to be an actor.

I used to be interested in visual effects.

I used to be an illustrator.

I used to travel a lot.

I used to tell stories.

I used to be alive.