It took writing this to make me realize some good things did happen in 2015. Almost everything I had penned down on this platform was achieved. Even when I wasn’t consciously thinking about doing them, they just seemed to happen. Like there was some magic dust Olatoxic or those that read it sprinkled on every word I wrote in last year’s entry that made them all come true. I guess this law of attraction thing works.
Last year I said 2014 was the year everything that could have gone wrong did. I was wrong. There were worse off things that could have happened and they did in 2015. Yes, I belong to one of those “Finally this bloody year has ended” group.
Things were looking good at first and then all of a sudden, the down spiral. There was just a month left to end an almost amazing year and it all went wrong. I lost faith…I lost hope…I started to get weak spiritually…my best friend chose to walk away…*sighs* I guess this is why I didn’t see the good things that happened until now. I don’t know what hurts most; relationship heartbreak or the heart break you get when someone you hold dearer than yourself throws it all away.
But I didn’t die.
I got to live another day. I got another opportunity to rewrite my story.
And that’s exactly what I plan to do; Live and rewrite my story.
I want to learn to have faith again. I want to be able to be hopeful again.
I want to learn to trust again. There’s something Yoruba people say about a horse that throws you down. The fact that someone or some people chose to abuse your trust shouldn’t make you shut the world out, so I want to climb that trust-horse again. One year is too short to measure my success but hey, it’s a start.
I wrote my fingers stiff last year. I can’t even remember how many books I wrote. I call myself a writer now. The fulfillment you get knowing that your bills are being paid from something you love to do is out of this world. But I doubt it beats knowing it’s your name that work of art carries. Ghost-writing has paid off and it’s still paying off. But it’s time to start writing my own books even as I ghost-write. Baby steps but we’d get there soon. Maybe even get an actual writing job too because, to be honest, I don’t think microbiology is for me anymore.
I want to find love and I want love to find me. I think I am ready now. It’s time to stop fearing the unknown.
A friend asked what my greatest fear was sometime back and I didn’t answer because I was scared to say it out loud. Saying it out loud made it real. How could I say that I was afraid of being completely, truly, happy. So scared, I hold myself back from my own happiness. And then I read this;
“When you do what you fear most, then you can do anything.”
So most importantly this year, no matter what happens (or doesn’t happen), I would not stand in the way of my own happiness.
I look forward to being truly happy again.
Nothing gives me greater joy than seeing a returnee write about how (almost) everything they wrote the previous year was achieved/actualised. Lends some credence to the power of undergoing this exercise. Thank you Aminat for sharing that. And may the new desires you have come to fruition as well. Amen.