My version of Hope
It’s my first day at work in 2016, I am glad for the holiday I did not have (No two-week break here), and to be very honest, I am glad to be back at work. Before I decided to write this I had asked Olatoxic if it was necessary to be all hopeful and expectant; it is a remarkable thing to express hope, no doubt, but I am not sure I will be able to successfully inspire anyone to be hopeful with this write up, so forgive me in advance.
Here’s the thing, I have had a tough time keeping hope alive. Before now, I began each new year fervently hoping that something will change, great things will happen and I’d be a brand new person, but the truth is, nothing really ever changed for good. I have watched things go from good, to bad, to the absolute worst for the people I love. In my attempts to save us, I have sunk deeper into the abyss of despair; hope became a luxury. In my opinion, ‘Hope’ comes from a certain level of emotional/financial/spiritual/convictional security. To be hopeful is to have a sort of safe haven from whence you can draw courage when things do not go as you have planned them in your head. If I am being honest with myself, I have had no safe haven. Up in my head, even spiritual security is not there because all I have done is be expectant, hopeful, over the years and that part of me died year after year as things really never worked out as planned. All that is left is the sheer will to live and not be a disappointment to those who actually have placed their own hope in me.
I slid into 2016 not hoping for anything at all. Instead of relying on hope and what I’d like to call “forced optimism”, here’s what I have decided I will put more effort into doing this year.
I want to hone skills I picked up at the tail end of 2015. One of the reasons why my hope has died a slow death is really the lack of Money. I won’t even sugarcoat it, I need MONEY (yea like everyone else). I have realized that my dreams will have to be placed on the backburner for a couple of years (depending on when the Nigerian economy decides to pick up) to be able to focus on making the most of what I have before me at the moment.
I want to work on myself. Believe me, I know I sound like I dwell in negativity, so I want to create that atmosphere around myself that will help faith and hope grow. To achieve this, I want to make genuine efforts to get back to God and to learn to trust in only my creator for everything. I know God is all in all, but for a couple of years there has been a disconnect stemming from what I have perceived as the commercialization of blessings and happiness a la “God’s servants”. I want to work hard to love God in ways to peculiar to me.
I want to be a better daughter to my parents and a better sister to my siblings. I have grown resentful having to financially support my family for the few years I have been in the labor market. At most times it seemed like I was only working because of them. But then I have come to realize that service to family (and indeed anyone) is a service to God. Sacrificing most of what I have to more or less preserve the integrity of my parents has come to mean a lot. My last brother is in the University now, I want to work towards earning more so that I will not keep reflecting on all I have missed out on, but focus on helping everyone get to the point of financial independence.
Lastly, I want to love and be loved.
I pray 2016 is kind to me and everyone else who might read this and feel “ah, yea, I feel this way too”. Maybe somehow, I might be able to have faith and begin to hope again.
Ope managed to somehow put forward her hopes for 2016, despite stating that she had none. Lol. Hope shines through. Always.
Ope, don’t stop believing. A time of peace and contentment will come that will leave you wondering why you were fretting. But until then, hold on. It will all be well.