I’m actually tired.
Like, I’m stuck and tired.
When this year started, I was very optimistic about how it would go. Last year ended on such a high note, I really couldn’t foresee anything going wrong. In hindsight, it was a pretty naïve way to approach a new year. But I prayed – Lord, I prayed – and I truly believed everything would go swimmingly this year because God’s got me – if for no other reason.
First quarter of the year ended with me begging someone to pay me money I worked for. Trouble was brewing and I could sense it. I wasn’t ready to run back home and admit to my mother that she was right about this lagos of a place, so I let this man continue to believe I was buying the dreams he was selling. My job description changed – for about the tenth time in the five months I had worked there – still no word about salary. He made more promises of new clients; still no salary in sight. We stayed and we hoped, because it was easier.
And then the second quarter rolled around. Our boat tipped over and I was stuck trying to decide if I should jump overboard, or just sink with the grossly incompetent captain. I was mad and hurt and itching to burn a building down, but I had to make a rational decision. I started a new job. Well, the same job but under different management. The people that have become my support team in this mad city are still with me and it makes the day-by-day bearable.
But now, half the year is gone, and I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I can see where I intend to go, and I’m hitting my accelerator, There’s a lot of revving and effizy, but I’m not really going anywhere. I’m making plans, and it seems like that’s all I’m doing – planning. I’m constantly adjusting and setting new goals for myself; resetting deadlines that I once considered realistic has become a habit. Worst of all, still no salary. Lol. It’s funny, but not funny at all. Every time I think about this man, I’m reminded about that Bible passage that talks about the heart of man being desperately wicked. I can’t even go into all the drama that has occurred in the past three months on top of money I worked for.
You see, this hope of a thing is one kain. Every time I feel like I’m tired and I’m ready to give up, one small voice will just whisper “Calm down” in my heart. A part of me feels like nothing will be differenttomorrow, but a larger part still keeps urging me to hold on until tomorrow. I’m learning to be happy despite my circumstances; learning not to let my moods affect my work. Promising myself that things will be better because they HAVE to be is now like taking a daily supplement.
Most days are hard, but there are the good days. I can still see where I’m going, and I’ll get there eventually. I’ve decided to consider this rut a pit stop. As the second half of the year begins, I’ve re-adjusted my goals and set new timelines. Once again, I’m going to let myself laugh more and live more. Mostly because this life is too short and, In the words of SugarBoy, “I cannot kill myself”.