Day 8: Aminat

I’m tired.

I don’t know why or what exactly I’m tired of but I just am. 2016 hasn’t been terrible but then again it hasn’t been anything.

2016 is supposed to be the year I rewrite my story. I said in my post in January that all I wanted was to be truly happy again. Its halftime now and I’m seriously doubting that can happen. I can’t be the happy-go-lucky kid that ran around the streets in her panties, covered in dusting powder, with no care in the world.

I’m not sad. It’s not like I’ve been brooding since the beginning of the year. There are times I’m overtly happy because there’s a seeming light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just tired and indifferent. It’s like I can’t be bothered about anything. In six months, I’ve thrown away what might have been amazing opportunities.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

I almost managed to finally convince myself to see a psychologist but I eventually didn’t.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

Well, there’s also the fact that I managed to convince myself aren’t that serious to warrant me seeing a shrink.

And with my indifference comes, what my friend has tagged my “antisocial nature”. I really don’t know why it is “antisocial” that I can’t be bothered to go out and meet people or that I get tired of talking to most people easily now. I didn’t even bother with making friends throughout the whole NYSC orientation course.

Spiritually, I down spiralled. I’m worse off than I started the year. It’s killing me that I’ve become like this and I can’t say why. I still have trust issues and it’s worse off. I don’t even trust myself anymore.

Ghost-writing is still paying bills. I finished my biggest project since I decided to start writing sometime this year. Unfortunately, those hundred thousand words have someone else’s name etched on the cover page (I know that’s the whole idea behind ghost-writing). I guess my  point is, I’m doing amazing with my other projects but I still haven’t gotten around to starting my own book.

I can’t afford to continue like this. I turn 23 in September. I haven’t even come close to achieving all the things I thought I would have by now. I’ve just been going around like an empty shell of sorts. I’m getting old and I shouldn’t continue like this but it’s like I can’t help it.

Or I can’t be bothered to.

I guess all there is halfway into the year is that I still am standing in the way of my happiness. The only evil stopping me now is still me.

I’ve got 6 months more to try to get my shit together. I really hope I do. I’m tired of being tired and empty.

Aminat

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12 comments on “Day 8: Aminat

  1. Abiola says:

    Get out of your own way, reach within and pull out the strength…..it’s in there somewhere. Waiting earnestly for the take over *fingers crossed*

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  2. Katniss says:

    Hi Aminat! Don’t over think it, one step at a time ok? And no need to be a social prefect, just have a few people you can talk to about almost anything.
    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Story of my life at the moment. I could relate to just about every word.

    I’m trying to get my mojo back. Finding my way back to my source (God) is helping a great deal.

    Don’t stress yourself out. Decide on where you wanna be and take steady steps towards it (even when you don’t feel like). (I’m talking to myself too here).

    One of my favourite artists (Andy Mineo once said “My biggest enemy is me, and even I can’t stop me”. I think the same applies to you.

    Congrats on the projects you’ve finished so far. Like Abisola, I am waiting earnestly for your takeover and I believe it’s nearer than you think. 🙂

    *sending e-hugs and e-candy your way*

    Like

  4. nienaspeaks says:

    I really hope that things turn around for you before the end of the year.

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  5. […] Source: Day 8: Aminat […]

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  6. toeseen says:

    Omg! Halfway through and I’m like “this is me, this is so me!” I keep thinking about all the things I ought to have achieved by now; how I may never be able to accomplish them because, well, I can’t seem to get past me; and how, in these exact words ‘I’m tired of being tired’

    But just as I keep telling myself, I say to you- “OSAT- one step at a time; just keep PUSHING, just keep FIGHTING, just keep PRESSING, till you reach…” 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sowemimo Anuoluwapo says:

      This is my story words for words without anything added or removed. I don’t even know what I don’t know. I keep asking myself whether I’m supposed to be in this world. I’m tired of living in the shadow of myself. I know there is something in me yearning to be revealed but I know one thing for sure that I will not leave this world unfulfilled. Thanks for sharing. Much love

      Liked by 1 person

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