Day 23: Ogenna

I am convinced 2016 hates me. Not the way you hate a sibling, I mean, real hate, the way you hate your lecturer for giving you 69/100. The way you hate standing from your bed to turn off your lights when you’re comfortable in bed. The way you hate when your phone screen breaks, the way you hate… I’m sure you get my point.

I’m sitting in the living room of my family house writing this, watching Inside Out at the same time and I wish I was a cartoon or 5 years old or just dust. See, I’m tired, T I R E D, tireddd, knackered, worn out, exhausted of this ogbanje 2016. It should just come and go and be going, it has do for it.

I came into 2016 with a promise of sobriety but is it not me again? I haven’t actually been drinking like a sailor, it’s just been a drink or two here and there.

As I’m typing this, I’m tired, I’ve been unnecessarily lazy these past months, no zeal, no motivation, nothing, zilch, zero. I’m tired, of myself, of my mediocrity, of this sin that I continually commit, this demonic sin of just being extremely ordinary.

Anyway I’m going to go over my plans for the year which I wrote down in January.

So, here goes…

Online journal, look at me and look at online journal, I wrote for 20 days and stopped writing. Nna, it’s not easy to write every evening when I don’t have energy to even lift my hand. So yeah, I failed at that.

Learning to keep to my word, That actually is going great, I’ve just stopped making offhand promises. If I can’t do something, I just say no. Like – No. (No is a full sentence, trust me, there’s no comma after).

Apologizing for my feelings – I HAVE STOPPED!!!!! WHO ARE YOU AND WHO IS YOUR DADDY TO MAKE ME APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR HOW I FEEL? MY FRIEND TAKE A SEAT. ACTUALLY HAVE SEVERAL SEATS.

Disappointment – I don’t even expect much from myself anymore so I don’t really get disappointed, I’m actually too tired to be disappointed.

Graduate – working on that, a few hiccups but we dey move dey go. My first semester results are rolling in and they’re good so far, there might not even be a next semester for me after this second semester.

Pray – I can’t lie, I don’t pray every day. I try, I really do.

Read up to 100 books and write more – look at my nose like 100, it’s not working. At most, I’m at 20. Haven’t been writing much really but I’m working on a piece. Maybe I’ll be done by the end of this year.

Buy myself stuff – LOL. Nope, isn’t happening; I’ve spent most of my money on family members and friends. Nothing for me really. But I have managed to save some money when I’m not spending said money on family members.

Realize relationships aren’t do-or-die affairs – this one, I have done. Honestly not ready for a relationship so I’m just low-key and all. But loneliness kills, I won’t even lie (especially when everyone around you is in a relationship)

Learn to play the guitar – I know how to play 6 chords, that’s all. If you like, judge me, that is your business.

Travel more – I’ve left owerri just once; I just might be a tree finally.

Learn a language – I’m still on that, gradually progressing.

Pay attention to people who love me and appreciate them more – Nope, isn’t working. I’m terrible at keeping in touch.

Lose weight – I’m down by 10kg, went from 86 to 76kg, not by choice but by stress.

Face confrontation head on, not every time ignore.- I’ve been doing this, I’ve gotten a wee bit aggressive at voicing my opinion, because of late, people (men) have been trying to shut me down (bloody sexist animals) but threatening to bash someone’s head with a wheel spanner + my height does much to prove I’m not someone to be messed with.

All in all, 2016 hasn’t been nice, I’ve been depressed; I have been worn out, bone-bloody-tired. Being a house girl, driver, baby-sitter and everything in between and going to school everyday from home isn’t really helping me much. No privacy, no time to rest, read or anything and the tiredness after the long day at school combined with the 45 minute journey on the bad roads… See, please, just put me in rice.

My project work isn’t going too good, I have seminar defense 4 days from now and I’m not done with my report, a lot of obligations but I’m going to watch Tom and Jerry just after writing this.

I. Cannot. Come. And. Go. And. Kill. Myself. Goddamit.

2016 please just come and go and be going.

Bye. Just bye.

p.s. I’m still smiling. The smile isn’t tired.

Ogenna

p.s. again. I said tired like a hundred times in this post, go ahead and count.

p.s. one more time. It’s my birthday in less than a month. Yay.

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4 comments on “Day 23: Ogenna

  1. Abiola says:

    Your smile is beautiful and you made me smile, you aren’t as tired as you might think. The year is not over yet and you can still make something beautiful out of it.
    P. S I typed this on a phone with a broken screen, beauty still comes from broken things…..

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Your smile… 😍😍

    I cosign everything Abiola said.

    I hope it isn’t too early to wish you happy birthday in advance. Have a fantastic and memorable one. & may the rest of your year (and all other years to come) be even more beautiful than your smile.

    Like

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