What is it about time that makes you feel like you are not enough? What is it about keeping records that make you feel like all you have achieved is not enough?
My birthday was two days ago. Weeks leading towards my birthday, like every year before it (since I became an “adult”), I battled with depression.
Ambition is a dangerous thing. A little too much ambition? (there is no such thing though- it’s a myth) – is a recipe for an ungrateful life.
So I have simply refused to be ungrateful. I will not spend this post bitching and moaning about what I have not achieved. I am grateful that I have goals worth achieving.
So here is where I stand.
Learn to direct properly. I am grateful that I haven’t shot anything yet. Gives me room to learn so much more, and when I finally shoot (Please God, let it be this year), it will be so much more. By the way, fear is a liar.
Learn a new language. Se un poquito de espanol. I speak a little Spanish. Muy poquito. Only a little. And it is only what I have learned off the internet. And I am grateful. Ask me again when the year ends. By the way, fear is a liar.
Learn to ride my bike. Took my bike to the gym and tried to ride it. I fell. It hurt. Never rode again. I am grateful that I still have my bike and I am still open to learning. By the way, fear is a liar.
Get Fit, Eat healthier. Started going to the gym more. Lost weight. Put it back on. I am grateful that I could lose weight in the first place. There is hope for me yet. By the way, junk food fear is a liar.
Buy a power bike. This has been postponed till further notice. Let me ride the powerless bike first. I am grateful for my sense of adventure. By the way, fear is a liar.
Travel. Ghana. Kenya. Thailand. I have gone NOWHERE. But I am grateful that this is because I have been too overloaded with work to think of traveling anywhere. I am grateful that I love my job crazily enough to pause. Time for traveling will come. By the way, fear is a liar.
Fall in love. I panicked for a while that it sort of happened earlier in the year. He reassured me that we were still just friends and I let it go. I am grateful for friendship. And if love does not come, I am still grateful for the fact that I am most happy with myself. And I still freeze with fear at the thought of giving up myself for another, in a matter of speaking. By the way, fear is a liar.
Ineffable Euphoria will hold in October, if I have anything to do with it. We will enter the slums, we will give out our food and produce baskets. The plan for a Food Bank, I believe will still come to pass. I am grateful that my mind has no limitations and fear again, is a liar.
7 months ago, I had plans. A lot of them did not happen the way I hoped, but there is time still; and still so much to be grateful for. I’m alive, I have an awesome job, I can tell people that I was part of the crew that brought RMD back to TV, (shameless plug- Watch Hush on DSTV 151 – 8 pm Weekdays, THANK YOU!). I have the opportunity to create, to bask in words – which for me is nothing short of bliss.
My status is changing, there’s no more decline. I’m on my way to better days.