And that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt……
I woke up 01/01/2016 spaced out and confused.
Life was dark and the abyss was cold.
‘My soul feels lost
it feels like I’m floating
Everyday, same feeling;
That’s how I feel.
An empty book with blank pages.
Fast forward to 07/06/2016.
I realised I was not living just existing, beneath the pretty smile, witty conversations, and quirky laugh, there was the coward who refused to feel the pain.
I booked myself in to see a therapist, one of the best decisions I made in 2016.
The cure for the pain is in the pain……
It was a painful experience; the pain was excruciating.
I was broken, I wasn’t as strong as everyone thought I was.
I had to face it, I was battling with my control issues, I was a perfectionist that was failing at everything.
The process wore me down, I wept, my heart bled and I found myself in the E.R at some point.
I hated my therapist and the process.
I hated everything I was passionate about.
I wanted to be by myself.
I just wanted to ghost on everyone; not like I didn’t do that a lot of times but I really wanted to disappear.
But you see,
It’s okay to feel pain,
It’s okay if you don’t feel strong enough,
It’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out,
It’s okay to cry……
I’m still in the process, I’m still learning to live and make every moment count.
‘She believed she could, so she did’……
I decided to put my control issues to good use, I focused on the things I could fix.
You see, I had messed up a lot of things in my life because I zoned out.
I did, I actually fixed the mess, and I did a pretty good job at it.
‘It’s dust….it will blow away’……
I started pursuing my dream career, I made beautiful memories with my support system, I visited beautiful countries, I actually got my goofy laugh back, I started sleeping without medications.
I still cry sometimes and I get scared and unsure of everything occasionally.
Who am I kidding, it’s absolutely terrifying and I occasionally freak out.
But you see, it’s my process and I’m owning it.
In 2017, all I’m trying to do is actually Live.
I will bask in the sun and dance in the rain.
‘I’m here now, this is place I come alive,
where my thoughts become my words,
and my words become my song,
It’s my stage,
I’m going sing,
It’s my song and I’m ready to own it.’