Who here has seen the movie, ‘Picture of Dorian Gray’? The anti-hero, Dorian, has an exquisitely beautiful painting of himself, which gets uglier, with each misdeed he engages in. His own face remains handsome while his portrait face degenerates into a distortion of its initial state, until the viewer can’t really see Dorian’s face in the picture anymore. Like Dorian, I lost something precious and my goal is to find it in 2017.
Alright, alright so maybe my own story isn’t as dramatic as the movie I just talked about but like Dorian’s portrait, my true identity became marred, each time I tried to become someone else in order to gain acceptance and validation. I was addicted to people’s approval and this made me play a vast array of superficial roles. Consequently, I winded up losing my identity, in the same way Dorian lost his dazzling face in that portrait. When alone, I would be haunted by feelings of emptiness, boredom and omgwhatisthewholepointofmylife? Ultimately, this lack of a coherent sense of self made me uncertain about what career path to pursue. Tell me identity issues don’t make your life shitty as hell.
Towards the end of last year, I had an eye-opening convo with my sis, and she told me about some kinks in my personality which needed some straightening out. After that convo, my life made a LOT more sense. I realized that all those failed relationships, those shipwrecked friendships, those cantrememberwhathappenedlastnight parties were desperate attempts to find myself. And gosh, I failed. I really failed. I drifted from scene to scene, searching for me, not realizing that I was there all along, a needle in a haystack of self-deceit, role-play and low self-esteem. If I was ever going to find myself, I was going to have to stop performing for everybody. I was going to have to continually stop and ask myself questions like, ‘Dude, do you really like that outfit or are you about to buy it just cos X likes it?’ And that’s what the hell I did.
This year, I’ve been looking for Nero (me) in all the places I left her – descriptions of me from those close to me, memories, soul-searching, you name it. And I’ll tell you a fact, the girl isn’t bad at all. I have discovered what career path lines up with my identity/personality and I’m ready for the plunge. Furthermore, I am progressively breaking free from the need to please others. I now live for myself. I have become both performer and audience in the movie of my life. Oh and speaking of movies, Dorian Gray eventually quit his sociopathic lifestyle, burned the picture and paid for his lifestyle with his own life. His life was, well, kind of a shitshow but hey, at least he did the right thing in the end. And like they say, all is well that ends well…or something like that.