I’ve always thought of myself as a lost boy. I’ve never wanted to grow up. Adulting always felt like a chore, full of rules and restrictions. Like I had to somehow squeeze myself into a mould that was much smaller than me. It’s always been easier to ignore my fears, compartmentalize my emotions and just dwell only in the moment; not worrying about what’s to come or what’s already past.

In the last few years however, I’ve been learning that it’s possible to live and grow outside of other people’s expectations and standards. To hold myself accountable to only the things that I truly believe in. I’m learning to question everything, even myself. To be at peace with myself.

This year I plan on doing a little bit more growing up and I’m hoping that I can:

– Learn how to analyze my emotions better and deal with things in the moment.
– Open up a bit more. Especially with my friends and family.
– Live honestly. Especially with myself.
– Share all of me with another person and not just the parts of me that I consider lovable.
– Start more projects. Chase more dreams. Even if it’s in the smallest ways. I want to write more, paint perhaps. Find my voice and maybe sing again.
– Finish more projects. Follow through on all that I’ve already begun.
– Manage stress better. Hoping this is the year I can find stick to my plans of living healthier.
– Make a ton of money.
– Be a better friend.
– Love more.

I’m hoping that being married to the love of my life is even better than I’ve dreamed of. I hope she’s always in love with me.

I have always lived a care-free life; as long as my belly is satisfied and I’m happy, life is good. Lately, I have begun to wonder whether there was more, because I think there should be more.

I want answers in 2017.

Still trying to find out the relationships between fate/predestination, God’s plan and man’s action. Hopefully, 2017 is when I get to have a better and deeper revelation.

In my quest for vision/purpose/ revelation, I hope to be deliberate and have fun.

I want to be happy. I want to have the time of my life in all that concern me.

And no matter what I find out about existence and purpose, these are what I expect at the end of 2017:

1. I want to have gotten a reason for waking each morning. Something better than ‘…because it is another day to have the time of my life and eat good food’ (But what if that is the reason for my existence?)
2. I want to have developed a closer and consistent walk with God; to be able to hear him speak and be sure of it. I want to know where I stand with him and why I walk with him. Something besides my background and stories I have been told.
3. I want to have gotten promoted at work. Which means passing both written and oral exams; having my license endorsed and obtaining my coveted authorisation. I envision a more skilful me, who works efficiently with minimal supervision.
4. I want to have built an investment portfolio- procured stocks and shares, dived into mutual funds, landed properties etc. I want to have started a side gig reeling in as much as my 9-5 job.
5. I want to have gotten my 6 packs/ rock hard solid abs. I picture a stronger, yet more flexible me.
6. I want to have surpassed my goal of reading 100 books in the year.
7. I see a more emotionally balanced, organised me. One who is patient, and less prone to anger/meanness. I have reduced my mean sarcasm, am less impulsive, and really do like people now – even kids- and I can maintain friendships without becoming bored at a finger snap. 

I feel a bit awkward because I signed up for this hoping I would feel at least a bit more hopeful about 2017 than I did at the time. And now, I can’t really say that I do…

I mean, there’s always that “things will get better” bit of hope we always seem to have in reserve, but it pains me to say I’m almost all out.

I had hoped I would start this year by moving into my own place; that didn’t happen. I hoped for a sign that my subscription box could make it passed the phase of being a great idea; none came. I hoped I wouldn’t have to start the year making tough decisions; here I am.

I feel like i’m going through a quarter life crisis, but I also feel like that would be a cop out. There’s definitely a lot going on that I need to sort out. Blaming it on some existential crisis is definitely easier than admitting I am where I am now as a result of my own decisions.

Mhen, i’ve made some mistakes. I’m working on fixing them. And while i’m sorting all of this out, i’m forcing myself to learn a few things

– It’s okay to make mistakes. At the same time, it’s important not to dwell on those mistakes; Gotta learn what I need to and move on.
– It’s okay to fail. As much as it hurts, there are lessons there too,
– Sharing my problems won’t kill me. Lol. Opening up myself a little bit more to be able to go to people when I need help could cause more good than harm.
– Stop making assumptions based off my own character and thoughts.

For the past couple of days, my mood has been so sour, and i’ve been feeling a lot of regret. Ugh. I hate to regret stuff. It makes me feel ungrateful. Which is an even worse feeling than the spite i’very been lowkey building up. God forbid I end up bitter.

I’ve decided I need a break, and i’m going to take one; to re-plan, re-build, re-strategise. I need some time away from the things that “trigger” me. I am kind of hopeful I will come back better. Kind of.

At some point this year, I want to be able to do the things I want to do without worrying about things like time and money. I want to let myself love and be loved. I want to build a ladder and touch my sky..

I may be a bit too reliant on my support system to make this happen, but that’s what they’re here for innit?

This happiness thing, I will catch it.

O’biageli, O’biana galu
Isi kponku
Something something….

My family sang this song repeatedly to me as a child because I was lazy. Not lazy, I could do stuff, I just really preferred not to. Even though Obiageli is not my name, I was serenaded with songs of how I was an Obiageli – a child who came to enjoy and not one who came to work. I was teased constantly about my epic reluctance to involve myself in activities that required me moving away from a book I was reading or a TV show I was watching. My mother constantly told stories of future me and how I would have house helps in charge of every chore. I think you were describing Executive Assistants, Mother.

Then came adulting. Killer of dreams. Opener of eyes and in some cases, yansh.  But my spiral to the bottom came long before adulting. My own silver spoon just went rusty. No fault of mine, my personal maintenance officer went to the great beyond without leaving a letter of resignation and left my spoon to decay. Thanks Daddy.

I learnt the hard way that survival was up to me. Get to the grind. Hustle and hustle hard. I Obiageli’d no more. Yes, I just used it as a verb.

Fast forward from the babble. Future me, sans Executive Assistants.

2017 started on a high note.  On the 2^nd of January, one of my dreams came true. RETREAT – A TV mini-series that I created with TV Guru Victor Sanchez Aghahowa hit the screens. Coincidentally, the last two episodes are on tonight – the 29^th of January, 2017 on DSTV 151 at 6 pm, just before Big Brother Naija (shameless plug). Please watch. Selah.

One would think starting the year off like that would make me full of bubbles and candy and floating clouds, right? Wrong. Maybe I am just greedy. Or a girl with too many dreams, dreams so big I panic. Hope so huge I am actually besieged by panic attacks. The higher you go, the harder you fall and things resembling chaos and carnage and destruction ensue– exactly in that order.

For some reason I am still trying to process, I find myself at the helm of a production company that has to create material this year for random strangers to critic. Why do I do these things to myself? People have been teasing me about directing stuff for the screen so the plan is to produce and direct three short films and a web series and also start my book series for kids – with hopes of turning it into an animated TV show.  Just typing this is giving me heart palpitations.

I started a Food Bank project three years ago and this year, it is a fully registered NGO. More cause for me to worry. I sit in meetings with people talking about getting food trucks and mobilizing soup kitchens and possible half way homes for the homeless based on proposals that I put forward and I am terrified.

There is a business plan I have been sitting on since I was 16 and I have been waiting for the right time to dust the cobwebs and pick it up. I don’t know if it is this year, still waiting for direction. But there is another I have to do this year but I have absolutely no mobilization money. With the economic situation right about now, one wonders if this is the right time to venture into business.

Travel. Ugh. Every year since this started, I put that down but never do it. Maybe this is the year. Learn to ride my bike. Learn to Swim. Lose weight and keep it off.

Obiageli ‘Biagelis no more.

“Chasing her own version of the fairytale ending….This is what joy looks like to a woman with genius “
– Shonda Rhimes

Hey 2017,

I know you can tell how hard I need you to go well as you know that 2016 was kind of full of disappointment and tears though God still held my hands through it all and reminded me of his love continually. Through the disappointment and tears I did start my PhD and got to meet wonderful people so I am grateful.

So far, I can tell you are a better person than 2016. I already get to do some work for a NGO I really admire with people with way more experience that I have, get to be a part of a wonderful team of people doing something I really admire.

You would be the year I win the scholarship I have applied for twice already but did not get.

You would be the year I shall begin the grand launch into research and lecturing.

You would be the year I would volunteer more and funds won’t stop (as per 2017, 7 digits account balance….lol).

You would be the year I shall read more books than I did last year. “Shalla” to @TheReadClub.

You would make me finally have trust without borders in GOD.

You would be the one who would help me stop getting intimidated by the awesome writers I know and letting my writings leave my book.

You would mark the beginning of my travel stories.

You would let my business ideas be birthed.

You would be the year where I shall get spent helping people and contributing my quota to helping this nation.

You would make the fact that I am capable sink in.

You would be the year I hold on to the relationships that matter and people who have been there for me.

I want to say that you would let me put so much attention to my hair but we both know kolewerk.

I am also grateful to be able to do this. Thank you Olatoxic

EXCUSE: SCHOOLING.

A few days ago, I put on my BBM that 2017 was going to be lit and I was deluged with so many messages. People were curious especially with this recession that brought overnight bag and has refused to leave.

Anyways, I had three major goals I wanted to achieve this year –because a wise man once told me having too many goals is unhealthy— and I’ve already achieved one of them. I was going to sweat and spent late nights trying to achieve it but God is too good. This goal is top secret however. I’ll reveal it later in the year.

Goal 2: Writing. 

I know I say it every year… and each year, I barely write (see excuse above) but I’ve finally graduated and I’ve written more this year than the past two years combined. So, I’m taking it seriously. I plan to reopen my blog and post frequently. I’m also planning to enter writing competitions even if it is to mark attendance.

Goal 3: Reading. 

I’ve not been reading as much as I used to (see excuse above) and I feel bad about that. I really hope to read at least 50 books this year. I also want to start reading fiction again, just because. Knowing myself, I just need to finish one book and I won’t be able to stop reading. But how to get myself to finish that one book is the wahala. I’m definitely committed to this goal however, so I should see some progress soon.

Others:

My relationship with God… is much better. I finally have time for Him (see excuse above). I hope to finally find balance between my light and my darkness. This is my theme for the year: Balance. I don’t need happiness, just balance.

My career… has started off great. I recently started interning at this awesome company (Name withheld because they’ll come to my house to kill me if I tell. LOL. Not really.). Being a professional, organized, serious company, the employees initially seemed overambitious and empty (the working hours are terrible) and I made me promise myself that I would retain my humanity in this brutal corporate world. However, over the past month, I’ve seen a different side of my co-workers; a side that shows them as mothers, fathers, brothers, daughters, friends… humans… not the corporate zombies they are pretending to be. I don’t know why I just typed this paragraph but I hope to have this career thing firmly figured out by the end of this year.

My health… has to be taken seriously. All these mysterious momentary aches have to stop. I want to take my diet seriously, exercise regularly and go for a medical check-up.

My significant other… has to be one of the most dedicated people I have ever met. I’m not looking to get married anytime soon –despite it being the first prayer point I hear from family members and my friends enjoy frequently questioning me about it. However, I want to learn more about this relationship thing and basically be Girlfriend of the Year (which I already am, anyway).

My tribe… has to grow. I want to learn to appreciate people even when their love is not as intense as mine. I want to love more, give more, be more. I hope to have a female bestie one day. Maybe that day will finally come this year.

Happy Chinese New Year, people.

In 2016, I learnt how to fail, I learnt that my lowest points were the only way I could strive for and appreciate my high points. Now, I am no longer scared of failure, I am ready for 2017 risks because fail/win I will definitely learn something new.

Writing this post is one of my 2017 risks, I have been following #30DaysofHope for a while but this is the first time I am ever participating. I even almost chickened out and ended up sending in a late post (Thank you for the reminder and follow-up, Toxic)

Career

I am quite the job hopper, I don’t believe in staying in a job where I am not learning and I’m unappreciated (maybe linked to my love for school…lol) and God has been faithful to me with my job whims.

I started a new job with the new year, so far so good it seems like my dream job cos for the first time in a very long time, I am working where I know I am contributing to the company’s growth and gaining knowledge on a daily basis. In less than 3 weeks, I am more confident of my programming skills and I overall feel like this is the year that my career gets on MY right track.

By the end of the year, I hope to have matured into a badass software developer and contribute to various development communities by putting up a couple of side projects (the goal is 3). I hope to be able to mentor young girls on a career in IT; yes, everyone says this but speaking from my experience *in Skepta’s voice* We need some more girls in here!

Travel

If you know anything about me, you will know I love to travel. I like to visit at least two new places every year, I like to create a new experience, I like to explore both local and international attractions and I can use my last money to plan a trip because “WTF not?”. With enabling friends like Simi, there is no way tempting travel opportunities will not show up. She’s my wanderlust trigger!!! You can read some of our travel experiences at EatTechTravel.

My 2017 Travel Goals

• Yankari Game Reserve
• US
• Grenada
• Ake Festival – Take 2!!!

You can send me a message if you are interested in any of these trips cos group travels reduces travel cost.

BCAN

Since 2011, I have been building a support community for people with Breast Cancer focusing on Abuja. I have met a lot of amazing people over the years and I am so grateful for my support system especially Dolapo. She will drop everything to get on my projects even when things get frustrating, she’s been there to guide me through it.

At beginning of the year, I got some bad news that our first BCAN patient passed away after 3 years of battling with breast cancer. I refused to let the news kill my spirit and instead, I got more reenergized to take bigger steps in 2017, I plan to collaborate with more medical communities and individuals to provide impactful support to Breast Cancer patients.

If you need more information on how you can get involved, just send me an email via bcanawareness@gmail.com or reach me through twitter (@bcanawareness or @tayomadein)

Personal 

I have to expand my physical activities cos my job is not a very active one, so this year I am conquering swimming in the first quarter. I am taking swimming lessons with my baby sister, that way, giving up will trigger my Agbaya senses…lol!

The biggest risk I am taking in my personal life is taking a chance to fall in love again. I have had my walls up for the longest and I finally met someone who makes it easy not to have walls. I cannot believe these words I am typing, I never saw myself as someone that would ever take love shenanigans serious but so far so good, it has been worth it.

I am at the point where I do not mind if it lasts forever or just for a short while, I plan to enjoy these feelings to the fullest and not limit my emotional and physical experiences because of fear of failing.

I am thankful for the opportunity to write all these down at the beginning of the year and sharing it on here will have me accountable to you guys and myself by the end of the year!!!