Day 30: Dami

Sigh… I’m usually a cheerful, happy go lucky person but this year to be honest, totally honest and not be my normal optimistic and cheery self has been, well, not exactly my favorite, putting it mildly.

I thank God for the miracle of life, small daily victories.
I broke my leg towards the end of last year and I didn’t think recovery would take this long. Well, at least, I’m no longer in a cast, no longer using crutches. I now walk with an elbow crutch. Like a walking stick with space for the elbow. I’m in constant pain and discomfort, I’m getting better every day. I hope by the time I write on Efe’s blog in December, I’ll be walking fully unaided.
I gained a whole lot of weight this year. Sitting at home, doing nothing but sleep, eat, laugh cry can really help in packing on the calories.
I got more than half way through to my savings goal, but in bouts of extreme unhappiness, I blasted it on a new phone, three new weaves and clothes.
I resumed work a few weeks back and every day that I go, I’m just miserable. Contrary to what my classmates know of me, I like my work. I don’t like that I can’t function like I used to and most of all, I hate the pity I get, the feeling of helplessness when I have to depend on people for a lot of things.
I picked up my guitar but Moyo is always distuning it and Tunrayo is forever struggling for it… *smile*
I’m still working on using my oven, sometime in the next one month, pictures will be posted everywhere.
My blog, sigh… I can still re-resurrect it.
My relationship with God is still blah… Sometimes, I hate Him, other times, I’m indifferent and other times, I’m just ashamed. Forgiveness for some of us is difficult to receive, but He makes all things beautiful in His time.
It’s not been all doom and gloom this year though. I have been angry, depressed, sad, intensely sad, but I’ve had rays of sunshine in my life.
My girls are the light of my life and as annoying as Moyo is, she’s my Orion. Motunrayo is just darling.
My husband and I get closer each day.
Visited my parents for a few weeks and that was awesome.
I started work again. Hopefully I should finish my house job in a few months.
I saw my best friend after almost two years of not seeing each other.
I bought a new phone and awesome weaves.
I challenged myself to do some really uncomfortable stuff and I came through. Really proud of myself.
I’m still scared of falling again, I’ve had some nasty panic attacks and one horrible health scare.
I hope to rediscover my joy this year, still got five months  to go. But most of all, I just want to walk again.
I’m grateful for life, because when there’s life, there’s hope.
God makes everything beautiful in His time.
Cheers to the rest of the year, may our latter days be better.
Dami

Day 30 : Lade

Where to start from?
Two days ago, I realised that I am actually in a very happy and good place in my life. I can’t explain it. One of the things I wanted for this year was to be happy and joyful, and I’m happy (ha ha) to tell you that I am. Yeah, I had my moments of sadness, but for the most part, I’m in a good place
School. School is going well. My results last semester were great. I’m thankful. I still haven’t decided on what electives I’m taking this semester. Trying to decide on what I like + where I think I’ll get the grades I need is not as easy as I thought.
God and Church. I started attending Covenant Christian Centre. I’ve been going consistently for almost 2 months now (except when I was at home on holiday). It feels good. I’ve also become more consistent with my Daily Devotionals on YouVersion. I pray a lot more. I’m getting back to that comfortable spot with God – the place where I can talk to him freely.
Projects. TEDxUnilag is happening on September 9th. I am excited about that. We do not have sponsors yet, but I am hopeful. I picked out a great team. The process of selecting the team members gave me an idea for a new project.
BookBarterNG. I am excited about the possibilities so far. I am working on a few events around it that will hopefully commence this year.
My friend Ejiro and I are working on a tutoring service. I’m excited about that.
There are a couple of other projects I have started work on. I’m not going to talk about them yet, but hopefully, they’ll start rolling out before the end of the year.
Relationships. I have the best set of people around me. I am really thankful for my friends. There’s nothing better than when you have a support system that you can tell anything without fear of judgement, or that your gist will be everywhere.
Shortly after I wrote my 30 Days of Hope post, my little-over-a-year relationship ended. I had literal chest pains for like 2 weeks. Now, I’m enjoying the single life (Like I have any other choice). In the meantime, I’m making new friends, meeting new people and building my network
Other things. I turn 20 this year. So almost officially no longer an adolescent.
I am still not where I’d like to be financially, but God dey.
Although, my eating habits are still poor and I refuse to give up cake and ice cream, I started working out again. Will renew my Unilag gym membership next month.
I was talking with my roommate the other day and we were talking about worrying about things even when we know that God has got us. We know that God loves us no matter what, so why are we afraid? And then I remembered this verse.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?” Romans 8:35
Lade

Day 23: Ogenna

I am convinced 2016 hates me. Not the way you hate a sibling, I mean, real hate, the way you hate your lecturer for giving you 69/100. The way you hate standing from your bed to turn off your lights when you’re comfortable in bed. The way you hate when your phone screen breaks, the way you hate… I’m sure you get my point.

I’m sitting in the living room of my family house writing this, watching Inside Out at the same time and I wish I was a cartoon or 5 years old or just dust. See, I’m tired, T I R E D, tireddd, knackered, worn out, exhausted of this ogbanje 2016. It should just come and go and be going, it has do for it.

I came into 2016 with a promise of sobriety but is it not me again? I haven’t actually been drinking like a sailor, it’s just been a drink or two here and there.

As I’m typing this, I’m tired, I’ve been unnecessarily lazy these past months, no zeal, no motivation, nothing, zilch, zero. I’m tired, of myself, of my mediocrity, of this sin that I continually commit, this demonic sin of just being extremely ordinary.

Anyway I’m going to go over my plans for the year which I wrote down in January.

So, here goes…

Online journal, look at me and look at online journal, I wrote for 20 days and stopped writing. Nna, it’s not easy to write every evening when I don’t have energy to even lift my hand. So yeah, I failed at that.

Learning to keep to my word, That actually is going great, I’ve just stopped making offhand promises. If I can’t do something, I just say no. Like – No. (No is a full sentence, trust me, there’s no comma after).

Apologizing for my feelings – I HAVE STOPPED!!!!! WHO ARE YOU AND WHO IS YOUR DADDY TO MAKE ME APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR HOW I FEEL? MY FRIEND TAKE A SEAT. ACTUALLY HAVE SEVERAL SEATS.

Disappointment – I don’t even expect much from myself anymore so I don’t really get disappointed, I’m actually too tired to be disappointed.

Graduate – working on that, a few hiccups but we dey move dey go. My first semester results are rolling in and they’re good so far, there might not even be a next semester for me after this second semester.

Pray – I can’t lie, I don’t pray every day. I try, I really do.

Read up to 100 books and write more – look at my nose like 100, it’s not working. At most, I’m at 20. Haven’t been writing much really but I’m working on a piece. Maybe I’ll be done by the end of this year.

Buy myself stuff – LOL. Nope, isn’t happening; I’ve spent most of my money on family members and friends. Nothing for me really. But I have managed to save some money when I’m not spending said money on family members.

Realize relationships aren’t do-or-die affairs – this one, I have done. Honestly not ready for a relationship so I’m just low-key and all. But loneliness kills, I won’t even lie (especially when everyone around you is in a relationship)

Learn to play the guitar – I know how to play 6 chords, that’s all. If you like, judge me, that is your business.

Travel more – I’ve left owerri just once; I just might be a tree finally.

Learn a language – I’m still on that, gradually progressing.

Pay attention to people who love me and appreciate them more – Nope, isn’t working. I’m terrible at keeping in touch.

Lose weight – I’m down by 10kg, went from 86 to 76kg, not by choice but by stress.

Face confrontation head on, not every time ignore.- I’ve been doing this, I’ve gotten a wee bit aggressive at voicing my opinion, because of late, people (men) have been trying to shut me down (bloody sexist animals) but threatening to bash someone’s head with a wheel spanner + my height does much to prove I’m not someone to be messed with.

All in all, 2016 hasn’t been nice, I’ve been depressed; I have been worn out, bone-bloody-tired. Being a house girl, driver, baby-sitter and everything in between and going to school everyday from home isn’t really helping me much. No privacy, no time to rest, read or anything and the tiredness after the long day at school combined with the 45 minute journey on the bad roads… See, please, just put me in rice.

My project work isn’t going too good, I have seminar defense 4 days from now and I’m not done with my report, a lot of obligations but I’m going to watch Tom and Jerry just after writing this.

I. Cannot. Come. And. Go. And. Kill. Myself. Goddamit.

2016 please just come and go and be going.

Bye. Just bye.

p.s. I’m still smiling. The smile isn’t tired.

Ogenna

p.s. again. I said tired like a hundred times in this post, go ahead and count.

p.s. one more time. It’s my birthday in less than a month. Yay.

Day 18: Olumide

I’ve spent the past few days wondering if it was a good idea to say yes without hesitation when The Fantastic Mr Toxic called for this follow up to 30 Days of Hope. In hindsight, it was probably a stupid fucking idea (can I curse Tox? I really like it when I can curse [I also like nested brackets – they make me happy {which is why you should leave this whole mess in, Tox. Thanks and God bless}])

Seriously though, why did I agree to write a 30 Days Purposeful entry when the sum total of my previous post was “I’ll try”?

Well here it goes. We’re halfway through the year – or at least I’m halfway through my year – and I’ve tried.

The end.

Or is it?

I’ve tried to keep my happy face on, to stay unfettered by the self-caused and life-wrought struggles on my path. Brethren, it is hard.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes what doesn’t kill you just makes you want to curl up into a ball and wait for the world to end. The problem is when what doesn’t kill you is your own damn self, you’ve really got a problem.

Notice that I switched from ‘I’ to ‘you’. It’s a defends mechanism. We do it without thinking, deflecting our self loathing onto others because – I’m no psychiatrist. I don’t know.

But here’s the thing. Even in the doldrums, there is good in the world. I made a group of amazing friends. Online, of course. And even though we’re not completely sure how this group friendship thing is supposed to work, all great relationships are confusing and amazing and all of that jazz. My best friend has forced me to answer my phone regularly – even non-essential calls.

I started working on a joint-EP with an old friend from uni. (Hehe. Uni. How very Anglaterran of me. Yes I made that word up. Bite me.) We’re almost through, and it’s been a fun experience so far.

I’ve been rambling. Let me stop.

So yeah.

I’ve hated this year.

But.

I’m still ok.

I’m still taking on 2016 and refusing to be bowed by the absolute madness that it’s unfolding as.

Olumide

Dusk 16: Ashiwel

I don’t like appraisals. You sit there confronting inconvenient truths about your hitherto assumed awesomeness and a knot forms in your stomach.
I really wanted nothing but for 2016 to be the fireworks. Instead, I think that I have spent a considerable chunk of it staring at the universe, scowl on my face, growling, “Not today, Satan”.
I mean, the fireworks came but someone forgot to bring the matches.
Of course, there are things to be thankful for; friends who stick closer than brothers, work that pays above average, strangers who have faith in you , challenges that don’t break you.
But right now, as of this moment, this is not the 2016 I ordered. We’re only halfway through and 2016 is already looking so broken, we’re considering dipping the world in rice.
Ashiwel
Still, we move.

Day 9: Osisiye

Life becomes easier once you know things will work out even if you are lacking something. I am not going to come here and make a list with notes on how I didn’t achieve this and I am almost achieving that.

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These things really don’t matter

People stay focusing on the wrong things; thinking if they wrote more or sang more, life would be better but don’t you get it? Life is in the living and you can’t do more than you are doing now and you should be grateful for even that.

This year, I confronted death; I have been confronting death since. I hit 30 before I got to 30 and the high has been worth it. These things really don’t matter; what matters is what you thought didn’t matter.

Am I being true to myself? Am I doing the best for me and showing love any small way I can show it? That’s what’s been mattering this year and it’s not something I can explain cos it’s something that happens every day.

I always thought happiness or achievement was in the next step but I have gotten the things I wanted and where am I – on the floor. Ola thinks he’ll be happy when he starts making arm bands, Cece thinks she’ll be happy when they pay her owed salaries; they won’t. I am just sitting here and I know these things and I wish they knew these things.

So I am here reviewing my life in the past 6 months. Have I lived it well? Maybe. Will I try to live it better? Yes. Have I written enough? It’s not your business. What the fuck is ‘enough’? Cos see, I wrote a book and thought I will be happy but I can’t even see the difference between me before and me now. Then I am working on another book but that thing keeps looking like piss every day no matter where I store it. And I got a job after throwing the other job away but I want to throw this one away too. And the bike I thought will make me happy, that one almost kills me every day.

I’m alive and that’s something. Are you?

My novel, ‘Sixty Percent of a True Story’ is available at Terra Kulture, Quintessence, AMAZON and KONGA.

Day 8: Aminat

I’m tired.

I don’t know why or what exactly I’m tired of but I just am. 2016 hasn’t been terrible but then again it hasn’t been anything.

2016 is supposed to be the year I rewrite my story. I said in my post in January that all I wanted was to be truly happy again. Its halftime now and I’m seriously doubting that can happen. I can’t be the happy-go-lucky kid that ran around the streets in her panties, covered in dusting powder, with no care in the world.

I’m not sad. It’s not like I’ve been brooding since the beginning of the year. There are times I’m overtly happy because there’s a seeming light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just tired and indifferent. It’s like I can’t be bothered about anything. In six months, I’ve thrown away what might have been amazing opportunities.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

I almost managed to finally convince myself to see a psychologist but I eventually didn’t.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

Well, there’s also the fact that I managed to convince myself aren’t that serious to warrant me seeing a shrink.

And with my indifference comes, what my friend has tagged my “antisocial nature”. I really don’t know why it is “antisocial” that I can’t be bothered to go out and meet people or that I get tired of talking to most people easily now. I didn’t even bother with making friends throughout the whole NYSC orientation course.

Spiritually, I down spiralled. I’m worse off than I started the year. It’s killing me that I’ve become like this and I can’t say why. I still have trust issues and it’s worse off. I don’t even trust myself anymore.

Ghost-writing is still paying bills. I finished my biggest project since I decided to start writing sometime this year. Unfortunately, those hundred thousand words have someone else’s name etched on the cover page (I know that’s the whole idea behind ghost-writing). I guess my  point is, I’m doing amazing with my other projects but I still haven’t gotten around to starting my own book.

I can’t afford to continue like this. I turn 23 in September. I haven’t even come close to achieving all the things I thought I would have by now. I’ve just been going around like an empty shell of sorts. I’m getting old and I shouldn’t continue like this but it’s like I can’t help it.

Or I can’t be bothered to.

I guess all there is halfway into the year is that I still am standing in the way of my happiness. The only evil stopping me now is still me.

I’ve got 6 months more to try to get my shit together. I really hope I do. I’m tired of being tired and empty.

Aminat