Here. And There.

I’m afraid.

I thought I needed a change of environment. I needed some fresh air. I was so sure I needed a fresh start. But more, standing on the threshold, I’ve come to realize that…

I’m afraid.

I’m the one who is wont to go out on a limb and seize the bull by the horns, wrestle him to the ground and be the victor when I plant the dagger in his heart. But when you’re the bull and that red flag is waving in your face and you know you must charge, no matter how hard you wish you didn’t have to…. It becomes frightening.

I want to stay here. I can admit that to myself now. Here is safe. Here, I have family and friends and a network and confidence and history and people who owe me favours. I don’t want to leave all this security behind. I don’t want to go there.

But I do want to go there.

I want to go and do bigger things. I want to make things happen. For others and for myself. I want to validate certain dreams I woke up from too long ago. I want to re-find the spark it seems I’ve lost. I want to capture things I’ve never seen before. I want to embark on an adventure. I want to breathe fresh air.

I only wish I could do all of those here. But I can’t. Not right now.

I need to go there… Even though I don’t want to.

There is scary. And the more I look around me, the more I come to the realisation that here is scary too. Here, a stagnation reeks. Here, stress levels soar to an all time high. Here, opportunities abound, but mostly at the expense of one’s soul. It’s scary here. As it is over there.

So it appears I must choose my scare.

I choose there. I chose there ages ago, but that was before I actually had to go there. It felt good to talk about going there. Telling some folk I would be going there made them envious. And telling others, I could see how delighted it made them. Delighted for me. That made me delighted. A warm fuzzy feeling spread from my chest to my back where they patted me when they hugged me and to my face in a warm smile which must have radiated forth and affected everyone it was beamed at.

But today, it’s dark and cold and alone where I stand. On the threshold of the abyss in which there lies.

I know not what lies in there. And I am afraid of my ignorance. But my ignorance will not hold me back. Nor will my fear.

I shall step, nay… I shall dive into the abyss.

I am leaving here and going there.

And it shall be beautiful.

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This Is Not A Rant

I’m upset. Can you tell? No?

Okay, I’m upset.

I should probably tell you why, right? Hmmm…

I’ll tell you. Purely out of the benevolence of my heart. I mean, yore dying to know and everything so I choose to now be kind and just spill like I know you want me to. Badly. ( ._.)

I’m in a rut. Again. (This endless battle with this bloody recurring rut sef). With writing and, more importantly, with drawing too. And this combo is horrible because writing and visual artistry are the backbone of my beloved Art Stories. [If you’ve somehow achieved the near-impossible feat of burying your head so deep in the sand that you have no idea what Art Stories is, click here] See ehn, the possibility of this very eventuality is the very excuse I had for not wanting to launch Art Stories when I was supposed to; same reason I even almost didn’t accept when I was first offered the opportunity to run my own column on TNC by @thetoolsman… But that was until I realised this what it truly was- an excuse. Yeah, I can be a legendary procrastinator. Sure, my schedule can be extremely unpredictable- free now, tomorrow, extremely constricted. Sure, I’ll fall into a rut, heck, even a trench every now and then and inspiration might be nowhere to be found to help haul my ass out of the pit… But these are not acceptable excuses for me to not achieve the things I could, and definitely should.

So, I accepted.

And now here I am, stuck. Again!

An Art Story is supposed to go up every tuesday at 4pm. I’m not sure any has ever gone up at 4pm. Well, maybe one or two sha. I’m usually still tweaking or editing or reworking or adding something. In some horrible cases, I’m just beginning to write or draw or design at 4pm *smh*. I sha try to post before 6pm and this usually works out. Usually. Meaning most of the time, not all of the time. Yes, I’m terribly ashamed to admit that every now and again, I completely miss out on posting. Terribly inefficient, I know.

And now, why I’m upset and at whom. I’m upset at myself. Because I have now reached a new low- TWO darned weeks without posting.

And this is not for lack of trying neither. But that’s just an excuse. One that’s unacceptable. Yeah, I had contributors that ought to have delivered and didn’t, but yup, that’s just another excuse (and me guilt tripping y’all. You know yourselves ( -_-).

Why am I beating myself over the head? And why here?

Well, for one, I promised here when I was about to begin Art Stories that I would not abandon this space and promised myself that at the very worst, I would serve something up here once a month. And so, in typical fashion, I’ve saved the best for last left it till the last minute. No, literally, the very last minute. Terrible. *smh pathetically*

More importantly, I’ve learnt, from others and from past personal experience, that one of the best ways out of a rut such as this is to write ones own way out of it. Sounds near nonsensical that one would suggest that the way to deal with not being able to write or draw… is to write or draw. But this has been proven over and again so… *shrug*

And most importantly, I’m beating myself over the head on here as a public reminder to self to do better. TNC 3.0 launches next week. We’ll call this inefficient phase a ‘test drive’, bury the demons, slay the carcasses, pick up the bad attitude and body slam it before heading off into the new era.

Ladies, gentlemen, it is time.

[This post was finished at 11.45pm on the 31st of July, 2013 after which I proceeded to post it… Only to find that etisalat had taken up the N2000 credit I had bought that morning as data rather than renewing the BIS subscription for which I had made the purchase. Imagine, two tauzon, gone just like dat!

I contemplated not putting up the post at all when I was able to, but considering the pungent reasons seen above for which I wrote it at all… Well, you’re reading this now, aren’t you?

I shall however edit the time-published to reflect when it should have originally gone up. Because I can. And to fulfil all righteousness. And cos it makes me feel good. Sue me.]